


it's what we call ourselves (sorta like a team)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: hold my hand (i can hear the ghost calling) [23]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual Peter Parker, Assassins & Hitmen, BAMF Sam Wilson, BAMF Tony Stark, Bisexual Laura Barton, Bisexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Tony Stark, Character Bashing, Child Abuse, Civil War Team Iron Man, Disabled Character, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sam Wilson, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Multi, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Not Steve Friendly, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Team as Family, Tony Stark Defense Squad, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:11:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: If Howard Stark was still alive, Sam would be rubbing it in his face, sayingLook at this. Look at what a great man your son becamedespitewhat abuse you put him through.(In which Sam and Tony are married, Steve receives his comeuppance, things go wildly canon-divergent after Age of Ultron, Riri and Peter get adopted into the Avengers, and way too many math metaphors and Chronicles of Narnia references are used.)A consolidation of all of the "hold my hand" fics in one place.Will be updated as the series progresses.





	1. shine like the day (love never had a childhood)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pawn_vs_player](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawn_vs_player/gifts), [petroltogo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/petroltogo/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys are greater than the sum of their parts

Tony and Sam mirror each other far more than anyone seems to realize. Like parallel lines, they run strangely similar paths with a number of similarities. Like perpendicular lines, they run opposite paths, with incredibly different starting points and seemingly different ending points. Like asymptotes, they reflect but never quite reach each other.

Like tangent lines, they meet at a single point where everything falls the same for both of them.

(Tony and Sam understand each other. They both lost things to the arid Afghan desert- their hearts, others’ lives, and their own organs. Such losses leave scars, leave marks on the mind and body that are not easy to remove.)

(In this, they are far more than lines. They become paintings, become art, become something far too sentimental and emotion-based than Tony will ever be comfortable admitting. But  _this_ \- this partnership of sorts- will do a good many things that Tony wasn't comfortable with before the Avengers.)

(So, there is that.)

\---

Everyone's tried to lift Mjolnir by now and no one's succeeded. By this point everyone's half drunk, their minds easily distracted by the candy-floss appeal of Coulson's old war stories.

No one's really paying attention as Sam walks up to Thor, a bit of tipsiness to his posture but a clearness to his gaze.

"Lemme try it again,” Sam jokes, and then half-heartedly tries to lift Mjolnir. He fails, of course, and by this point Tony is paying attention. He peels himself away from the group of Avengers and swaggers over to Sam, glass of wine in hand.

“Looks like you need some help, Wilson,” Tony says, a teasing glint in his eyes.

Sam looks up and flashes him a grin. “Have at it, Stark.” He steps to the side a bit, making room for Tony.

Tony sets his glass down and rolls up his sleeves to his elbows, playing up the drama. Then he leans over, sets his hands on the hold next to Sam's, and lifts. Next to him, Sam does the same thing.

And it  _moves._

All the mirth drains out of Tony's face as his eyes snap up to meet Sam's, hands snatching away from the hilt of Mjolnir. The expression Sam's face is one of shock, mirroring what Tony's sure his own face looks like.

"The  _fuck_?" He manages to croak out, and Sam nods.

"Same here, man," he says.

"Two sides of the same coin," Thor says, a strange twist to his tone, and Tony looks up to see Thor staring at them, glass forgotten on the table next to him. "Back on Asgard, there were tales of warriors who could only become worthy of true greatness when they fought in pairs."

Tony's gaze flicks back to Sam's, meeting his eyes. Sam seems just as surprised as him, but there's something in Sam's expression that is accepting of such a declaration. If anything, Sam's posture seems pleased.

"Here that, Stark?" Sam says, "We're worthy of  _true greatness._ " There's a certain sardonic lift to his words that brings a smirk to Tony's lips. Sam says the words 'true greatness' in a slightly mocking tone, as if he thinks that the idea of a hammer proving such a thing is hilarious.

\---

Years ago, a man named Yinsen died in a cave in Afghanistan. Years ago, a man named Riley died in a desert in Afghanistan. Out of these deaths stumbled two men, sand encrusted in their hair and parts of their body blown away. These deaths were born on shoulders too used to tragedy, were used to become something- some _one_ \- new. Someone better.

Later, a man would receive a bionic leg prosthetic as part of an army rehabilitation program. The detailed, typed instructions bore only one piece of evidence that a human had touched them- a small note written in cramped cursive.

 _Use it well_ , it said.

\---

"Why'd you do that for everyone?" Sam asks, years after he's gotten used to the leg.

Tony arches an eyebrow. "Do what?"

"Make the replacement parts. Give us back mobility." He pauses, takes a deep breath, and says: "Give us back our lives."

"'Cause I know what it's like, Wilson," Tony says, "I know what it's like to lose part of yourself like that. I know what it's like to lose-"

He's cut off by Sam's lips on his own, muffling the words that are trying to explain. He shuts up, grabbing onto Sam's shoulders and hair and bracing himself against the tsunami of emotions threatening to break against the walls he's built.

He pushes back against Sam's lips and decides to let himself break. He lets himself drown in Sam, lets his broken pieces fit into Sam's. He feels the pound of his arc reactor under his chest, feels the perpetual cool of Sam's robotic leg press against his own leg.

He lets himself feel, and break, and climb.

\---

There is this: two broken mirrors, facing each other, tangent lines reaching each other at the one point that matters. They will grow and reach and find each other, knowing that though they will never entirely understand each other they will always be able to lift that hammer together.

Iron fused in their veins, desert sand scarring their minds, and robotics building them up from the inside: these are similarities that run far beyond skin deep.

(So, there is this.)


	2. by the time the monsters move out we owe them nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve has far too much in common with Howard for comfort.  
> (Namely, iron fists that don't stop to think about who they're hurting.)

If Steve had been truthful with Tony about Howard and Maria's death from the start, he would have understood. He knows better than anyone how much Howard deserves justice, how much someone might want to get rid of him. He understands iron fists, understands what someone can do when under the control of someone else.  
  
He understands brutal honesty. After all, that's what he's always sworn he'd honor despite the cost. Be honest, even when it breaks hearts. Be honest, even when it fells dreams. Be honest, no matter the consequence, because people deserve the truth.  
  
He would have forgiven Steve if he'd told Tony the truth about what the Winter Soldier had done under the influence of HYDRA. He would have been angry for awhile, sure, but he'd have gotten over it. He'd have helped Steve search for Bucky, have helped Bucky recover.  
  
(That's what he's been doing, ever since he escaped Afghanistan. He's helped people recover, helped people return to a world that no longer accepts them. He's helped people acclimate, and heal, and if only one person returns to him and tells him that he's helped then that will be enough.)  
  
(And Sam's got that covered, so Tony feels like his change from bomb to relief is justified.)  
  
But now, in a underground bunker in Siberia, Steve drops this bomb in his lap and Tony doesn't have time to process. He doesn't have time to think. He can only feel, and rage, and be betrayed.  
  
He goes after Bucky, and he knows that it's not Bucky's fault but he also knows that Bucky can handle this. They'll fight to a standstill and both of them will come out a little bruised but ultimately not too worse for the wear.  
  
But then Steve joins in and everything goes to fucking shit.  
  
\---  
  
Sam meets Tony at the door to Avengers Tower as soon as he's flown in on the Stark Industries jet. He'd gotten medical care on the jet (as evidenced by the sling holding his arm out of harm's way), but there's extreme bruising all over his body that can't be fixed easily. He can barely breathe, much less let Sam and Rhodey's dog tags hang against his chest, so he has their chains tucked carefully inside of a thin, bulletproof wallet inside of his front pants pocket.  
  
He feels like he's been hollowed out, like someone has taken one of Bruce's scalpels and scraped out his insides. There are bruises inside, outside, everywhere he isn't afraid to look-  
  
He looks up to see Sam, still using that chrome walking stick that Tony made for him after his bionic leg got half blown off in the Battle of Sokovia. Sam's staring at him like he's a ghost returning home, and for once in his life Tony doesn't know what to say.  
  
"Tony," Sam says, breathing his name like a prayer and a nightmare all at once, and Tony swallows.  
  
"Yeah?" He acknowledges, and an instant later he's wrapped in the gentlest of embraces. He barely feels Sam's arms around him, it's that light a hug, but he feels enough and that's good for him.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Sam says, genuine sorrow in his voice, "I never would have suggested this if I'd known Bucky would lash out like-"  
  
"It wasn't Bucky," Tony interrupts abruptly, then corrects himself: "Well, not entirely."  
  
Sam seems to have trouble comprehending for a moment, so Tony counts out the seconds until Sam figures it out. As much as Tony believes in truth, there are some bombs that wreak damage that he doesn't want to inflict. If Sokovia taught him anything it's that he can't drop bombs and expect people to understand, to feel any sort of sympathy with the people that destroyed them.  
  
Then Sam leans back so Tony can see his face. Tony misses Sam's embrace as soon as it leaves, but then he sees that Sam's face has hardened and Tony knows that he's gotten it. "Steve did this to you?" He asks, voice filled with righteous anger, and Tony tries not to flinch but he doesn't quite succeed. He spent years training himself not to respond violently, but after what just happened with Steve and Bucky- with someone he was supposed to be able to trust- he's sliding back into old patterns of reactions. Sam's face softens and he reaches out a hand to graze Tony's shoulder. "Tones, you okay?"  
  
Tony nods, even though he's not okay, not even close. Sam nibbles at his bottom lip a bit (a seriously adorable habit that manages to take Tony's mind of the pain for just a moment) as he thinks. "My dogtags," Sam murmurs, and Tony holds out his free hand.  
  
"Don't think I'm ever gonna get the imprint of your, Rhodey, and Riley's names off of my chest," Tony says, attempting a joke, but it falls flat.  
  
"That hard?" Sam asks, tone dangerously neutral, and Tony nods.

"He shoved the shield into my- into Iron Man's- chest," Tony starts, and suddenly the words are just tumbling out. The explanation of what happened in Siberia comes out in stuttering words, in braced sentiments, but eventually every bloody detail is laid out before Sam. He tells Sam about how the fight started, about how Steve lied for years and how Tony was only going to fight Bucky but then Steve ganged up on him and-

The words hurt, but Tony forces them out. He has to be honest, no matter the cost- he promised himself, all those years ago. Everyone deserves the truth, no matter what happens afterward.

"Rogers better watch his back," Sam says, tone low, and Tony nearly asks him not to say anything. Tony nearly tells him that it's not important, that Steve isn't worth it, that Sam shouldn't hurt Steve for a fight that Tony started, but then he remembers. He remembers that  _he_ didn't deserve what Steve did to him. It's easy to forget, especially when he's used to blaming himself for everything, but after years with Pepper, Rhodey, and Sam, he's starting to remember that it's not always his fault.

"Okay," Tony says, and remembers.  
  
\---  
  
Steve and Bucky show up at the Tower a few weeks later, worse for the wear, and Sam Wilson's the first to greet Steve after Bucky's been taken off to therapy for all kinds of things that have fucked him up real bad.

"How the fuck could you do something like that to someone who trusted you?" Sam growls, and Steve looks at him like he's insane.

"The situation called for it-"

"What the hell kind of situation calls for you to smash your shield into the chest of a teammate?"

"You've lost objectivity, Sam," Steve says, missing the way that Sam's free hand clenches into a fist at his words. "Clearly dating Tony has-"  
  
_Crunch_.  
  
Sam's knuckles are bruised when he pulls them back from socking Steve in the nose, but he can't bring himself to care. His lips curl back as he stares at Steve, who dazedly holds a hand up to his nose to catch the blood dripping down his face.  
  
"Fuck you, Rogers," Sam spits. "You're the one who's lost objectivity. Barnes deserves help, deserves to be saved from that he'll he was experiencing under HYDRA, but that doesn't mean Tony deserves to be lied to and betrayed and nearly beaten to death by someone he was supposed to be able to trust, you  _bastard_."  
  
Steve gives look halfway between shame and  _you're insane_ , and Sam can't look at him any longer. His hand falls back to his side and he turns on his wobbly half-finished replacement leg.

"You don't deserve that shield, Steve," Sam says, unknowingly echoing his husband's words from weeks before.  
  
\---  
  
Tony greets him with a grin and a passionate kiss. Sam doesn't protest at the motion- he's not stupid, he's not going to reject making out with his husband- but when Tony leans back to breathe he has to ask, "What was that for?"  
  
Tony smirks, raising an eyebrow. "I can't just kiss my husband?"  
  
"Not that level of intensity out of the blue," Sam says. "I know you well enough, Tony- you don't normally initiate with that level of emotion. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Far from it. I saw the security feed of your... conversation with Steve. I've never had anyone stand up for me like that before. I've always had to do that for myself, and even then people don't seem to listen."  
  
Sam's used to revelations of Tony's that follow along these kind of lines, but it still hurts his heart to hear.

"Well," he says, "You don't have to worry about that anymore. I'm here for you."

"And I for you," Tony says, and Sam knows it's the truth.


	3. leaving breadcrumb trails to help us find our way back from catastrophe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve hurting Tony is nothing worse than what Tony went through in Afghanistan, and Afghanistan had been necessary for Tony to realize the complete dick he’d been.
> 
> So maybe what Steve did was something Tony deserved. After all, he did start the fight. Steve was only defending Bucky, right?
> 
> -
> 
> It takes Tony awhile to realize that what Steve did has no justification. This requires everything short of a slap to the face from all of the Avengers, especially his husband, but in the end it gets through.

Tony Stark knows he’s privileged. He’s white, he comes from money, he’s a genius. He knows that when he slept around for twenty years, he was painted as a playboy instead of a slut because he’s a guy, and guys  _can’t_ be sluts. Even the fact that he’s bi doesn’t make much of a difference.

Sam, on the other hand, has had little to none of the privileges that Tony has. As a black, gay, disabled man, life has shat on him over and over. He has clawed his way out of every valley, inch by painful inch, until he reached somewhere he could be happy again.

Tony respects the hell out of his husband and everything that his husband has had to go through. For Sam to make it out of the not-so-great circumstances of his childhood, to make it through the Army, to make it through Afghan hell, through Riley’s death and his own handicap, is amazing in ways that Tony can’t quite articulate.

Tony's privileged, he's smart; he doesn't deserve any more cuts in his favor. Steve hurting Tony is nothing worse than what Tony went through in Afghanistan, and Afghanistan had been necessary for Tony to realize the complete dick he’d been.

So maybe what Steve did was something Tony deserved. After all, he  _did_  start the fight. Steve was only defending Bucky, right?

-

It takes Tony awhile to realize that what Steve did has no justification. This requires everything short of a slap to the face from all of the Avengers, especially his husband, but in the end it gets through.

-

_When Steve goes after Bucky, Sam does not go. He stays in Sokovia with Tony, Clint, Natasha to try and work things out and repair his half-vaporized leg._

_He ends up taking a plane ride home with the team, and Tony, Natasha, Clint, and him all talk about his nieces. This is safe. This is comfortable. This is not bombs and vanishing teammates and visions of dead husbands._

_Tony sits next to Sam and entwines their fingers as they talk. Sometimes simple physical touch is enough to make him feel better._

- 

Tony is fully willing to share the Tower with Steve and Bucky when they return. Sure, he may still flinch whenever Steve goes by (Bucky is different from Steve. When Bucky fought Tony, he was the murderer of Tony’s parents. Bucky is not that any longer. When Steve fought Tony, he was the teammate, the  _friend_ , who betrayed Tony. Steve is still that. Tony doesn’t know if Steve will ever  _not_ be that), but the Avengers Tower is large, and the team needs Steve. He’s Captain America, the leader of the Avengers.

So life goes on, and Tony lives.

- 

“He’s a bully,” Sam says to Natasha during a sparring match. She is, as always, winning, but the gap by which she kicks his ass lessens with every bout. "He doesn't care about hurting Tony, his friend and teammate. He only cares about doing what  _he_  thinks is right."

Natasha raises an eyebrow. "I'm not saying that you don't have some point, but perhaps you're taking it too far. Tony  _is_  your husband, after all. You're not exactly objective. Steve  _did_  grow up in a very morally black and white environment. He hasn't really been exposed to the idea of grey morality."

Sam nods. "I'll accept that analysis," he says, "Even if I'm certain I'm right."

"Good," Natasha says, satisfied. Then, a few moments of sparring later, she adds: "I  _do_  have to note, though, that what he did to Tony is horrible and it's very hard to justify doing that to an acquaintance, much less a teammate."

"And besides," Sam says, landing another punch, "It's not my job to be objective when it comes to Tony. I'm his husband. I'll always be on his side."

Natasha smiles. "I'm glad."

And lands a right hook that nails him to the ground.

-

“You believed a HYDRA agent?" Clint asks Steve, nose wrinkling. Him, Cap, Wanda, Pietro, and Vision are eating dinner, the rest of the team off sound whatever. Clint ardently wonders where Tasha is, and if she'll be up to visiting Laura and their kids tomorrow.

(Okay, he's not  _really_  wondering if she'll be up to it, 'cause she always is. Their lover- his wife- and their children are the lights of their lives. It's always a relief to return to the house on the farm, especially after large missions like Sekovia.)

Steve stares him back, defiance in his eyes. "It made sense. Tony built Ultron and nearly destroyed the world-"

“Excuse  _you_ , Steve. Maybe I need to spell this in terms you’ll understand. Tony was experiencing Wanda’s visions when he built Ultron.”

The red-haired girl nods. “I am sorry, but is true. I showed him nightmare of dark future. Is not his fault.”

Vision nods slowly. "I think I do concur with Miss Maximoff and Mister Barton, Captain Rogers."

Steve takes a bite of his steak. "Okay, I get it. Tony had some bad nightmares. But at the time all I knew was that he had built Ultron, and that he had attacked Bucky. That's two good reasons to stop him."

Clint can only stare, speechless for the first time in his life.

-

To Tony’s complete disbelief, the Avengers do start to freeze Steve out. They start questioning his leadership, start not trusting everything he says. It's nothing short of a minor miracle considering the way they used to listen to him like his word was God (And Tony, despite their squabbling, was also guilty of this).

When Tony brings this up, his husband is smug.

“Of course they're questioning him,” Sam says, “If he could be so callous as to beat up a teammate and then leave him in a cave in Siberia, then something is seriously wrong with his leadership skills and his idea of collateral damage.”

Tony can't argue with that.

-

“How could you  _do_ something like that?” Tony overhears Bucky saying one day. Tony’s brows knit together in confusion. The Wonder Twins never argue.

“Tony was beating you up, Buck. I couldn't leave you defenseless-”

“Steve, I have  _super strength_.  _And_ a bionic arm. And ‘sides, I kind of deserved it. Tony, on the other hand, he’s brilliant, he’s got the suit and all, but he can’t withstand the same blows we can. And even  _if_ he could, no one deserves a shield through the chest. That was  _our_ fight, Steve. You had no right to join in.”

“He could have  _hurt_ you, Buck.”

“Fuck off, Steve- you've gotta know better than that.”

 -

That night, Sam and Tony are eating their usual midnight snack (Tonight is Tuesday, so it's Sam's turn to make chili. Tomorrow Tony will bake the cookies Jarvis' wife Anna used to make for him.) when Sam speaks up.

"Tones," Sam says. Tony glances up from the designs for a solar-powered water filtration system that he was working on. “I want Steve out of the tower.”

Tony raises an eyebrow. “Why? We've all made peace with him. I may not be entirely comfortable with him, but he's our leader. He's the face of the Avengers. We need him."

“Vision?” Sam asks, and the aforementioned android phases through the wall.

“Yes, Mister Wilson?” He asks, dipping his head in a slight polite nod.

“Do you think that Steve makes an effective leader for this team?”

“Captain Rogers is unknowledgeable about current politics and technology, prone to split-second decisions without thought to their ramifications, and, quite frankly, rather reckless. He also has a tendency to see himself as righteous, and anyone who disagrees with him as not necessarily evil but at least wrong, and that is potentially problematic. He also has betrayed his teammate and is now actively untrustworthy."

"And it's not just that, Mister Stark," Vision says. "A number of Avengers have been speaking as to the fact that they want him out because he makes you uncomfortable in your own home, and that is something that none of them want for you."

Tony's mouth levers open and shut, almost like a broken puppet's.

"See?" Sam says, and takes Tony's hand. "We all support you. It's up to you what you do, but just know that we're on your side."

Tony swallows. "Thank you," he says, voice cracked.

"No need," Sam says, "You deserve all the love and support in the world."

-

Despite all of the Avengers being on board with the idea, Tony won’t force anyone out onto the streets, especially someone who’s home is seven decades in the past.

No one deserves to feel like their home is a place where they don’t belong.

-

The deciding factor in this argument doesn’t end up being Sam. It doesn’t end up being Bruce, or Thor, or even Natasha. It ends up being Fury, of all people. 

“Ultron was  _my_ fault,” Tony says, arguing with the commander of SHIELD (well, what remains of it). “I deserve to be punished for that.”

Fury snorts. “Ultron, your fault? Yeah, you were fuckin fool enough to believe the Witch’s visions and build that AI, but Ultron never would have come to life if it hadn’t been for Thor’s lightning.”

Tony’s mouth goes dry. “ _What_?”

“You must have a pretty fucking strong masochistic complex if you didn’t realize that,” Fury says. “We did the research as soon as we could. It wasn't all your fault, you motherfucking dunce."

-

Tony sets Steve up with an apartment, a trust fund, a therapist, and access to SHIELD and all the friends who still want to talk to him.

He doesn't allow him back into the Tower, though. For Tony's mental health and for the sake of the team.

They need this.

-

Tony Stark doesn't deserve to get betrayed and beaten up by a friend and left for dead. Nobody does.

Tony has to learn a lot of things like this, but as long as he has his husband, his family, and his team, he thinks he'll make it through.


	4. be brave in a way others may never know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam feels sympathy for Steve Rogers. After all, Steve lost his best friend to war. Sam understands this kind of grief far too well, knows all too well the effects of survivor's guilt. He knows what it's like to return from war with no idea of the world he's returning to.
> 
> He understands gaining powers you have to adjust to, knows what becoming a superhero can do to the mind. He understands nightmares, understands wanting to fight a system that contributed to the death of his best friend.  
>  
> 
> Tony turns up bruised and scraped, arm in a sling, and, and-
> 
> Sam does  _not_ understand anymore.
> 
> -
> 
> Steve Rogers is not the man Sam thought he was.
> 
> Sam doesn't know if Steve was _ever_ the man he thought Steve was.

When Sam Wilson-Stark meets Steve Rogers, he knows who it is. He understands that the awkward jogger is the man who fought alongside his husband just last month. 

He becomes Steve's best friend during their runs, and he enjoys conversations with Steve. Steve is smart (though nowhere near as smart as Tony), and he processes a lot of information about pop culture and technology pretty easily.

There is just one sticking point, though. Sam mentions being gay and Steve stares at him a bit strangely. He gets over it within a few moments and Sam understands how strange it must be for a man from the 40s to get gay people. He  _gets_ it.

However-

Sam is gay, and black, and disabled, and a pilot, and a superhero, and a husband. Each of these is a part of his identity, and for Steve not to get one of those sits just a bit wrong on his shoulders.

Still, he gets that it's a transition thing. Steve will get it eventually.

 

( _"You okay with this, Tones?"_

_"Why wouldn't I be okay with you getting friends?"_

_"I mean, he_ is _your teammate. You sure you want me, you know, encroaching on your territory or something?"_

_A laugh. "Sam, you beautiful fool, I honestly don't care. Just don't break him, okay?"_

_"_ Me _, break Captain America? You sure you're not the one being experimented on?"_

_Roll of the eyes. "Go have fun with your friend, Sam."_

_"Love you too, Tones."_

_"Love you, honey.")_

 

Steve Rogers shows up at Sam's doorstep about a month after he met him, Natasha next to him. Sam recognizes her from the times he ended up in Stark tower when she was working as Tony's secretary. Tony told him all about the Natalie Rushman incident, prompting Sam to both scold him for nearly dying _again_ and laugh at Tony being fooled by a superspy.

"You are?" Natasha asks bluntly, eyebrow arched.

"Lt. Sam Wilson," he says, and her dark eyes alight in recognition.

"Ah," she says, "Lt. Wilson. I've read a lot about you."

And by read, she probably means scanned Tony's documents when she was spying on him.

"Everything good, I hope?" He asks, and she nods.

"As long as you keep treating that partner of yours well," she says.

"Always," he swears.

"Well," Steve says, looking slightly awkward, "We have a bit of an issue right now."

Sam glances down at his Stark-issued watch. News headlines are strolling across it as well as texts from Tony, promising that he's trying to work on a way to combat HYDRA.

"Yeah," he says, "I'd say so. Come on in."

-

Sam feels sympathy for Steve Rogers. After all, Steve lost his best friend to war. Sam understands this kind of grief far too well, knows all too well the effects of survivor's guilt. He knows what it's like to return from war with no idea of the world he's returning to.

He understands gaining powers you have to adjust to, knows what becoming a superhero can do to the mind. He understands nightmares, understands wanting to fight a system that contributed to the death of his best friend.

Sam is more similar to Steve than would appear.

-

Sam may not be “worthy” on his own, but he is with Tony, and Tony is with him. That _means_ something.

Four years ago, Sam swore his love and life to Tony. Tony did the same to him.

-

When Sam first started dating Tony, Rhodes gave him the shovel talk.

Pepper Potts was at the first official ‘family’ dinner.

JARVIS shared all of Tony's embarrassing childhood stories, made all the more silly by JARVIS’ British robot voice.

This is what Sam thinks of when he hears about what Steve said to Tony.

(This is months after the whole incident went down- at the time he'd been more worried about Tony nearly _dying_ because he'd flown a nuke into a blackhole.)

Steve called Tony _an insecure little man_. He told Tony that _you_ _hide behind your shiny toys to compensate for what you know you lack._

He told Tony that he is _nothing without the armor,_ that _won’t let anyone get close. You don’t want them to realize that the man underneath isn’t even worth trying._

Tony is strong, far stronger than anyone should have to be. Sam is not here to solve Tony's problems for him, to coddle him- he is here to support Tony, to make Tony's problems easier to deal with.

(And here Steve is, screwing it up.)

But Sam is friends with Steve, and everyone can make a mistake in the heat of the moment, right?

(Right?)

-

Sam feels sympathy for Bucky Barnes. Sam is a soldier. He understands taking orders, doing things you don't want to do. He understands what it's like to have a limb that isn't yours, to be forced to figure out how metal can possibly function like flesh. He knows about fighting your way out of he'll and returning to a world you don't recognize. He understands being something you can't control, something that the world will blame you for.

Despite everything, Sam respects Bucky Barnes. 

-

Tony turns up bruised and scraped, arm in a sling, and, and-

Sam can  _not_ understand anymore.

-

Steve Rogers is not the man Sam thought he was.

Sam doesn't know if Steve was _ever_ the man he thought Steve was.

-

Sam knows that when Tony has nightmares, they aren't always about Afghanistan. Sometimes he pleads for his father to _stop, please stop_ , and Sam's heart aches. He knows that Tony has never had enough people who love and appreciate him. Sam doesn't want that to keep happening.

Steve doesn't deserve to stay with them, to carry the shield and be an Avenger. None of the Avengers are perfect, to be sure. If you look into their pasts, you will find horror and abuse and mistakes made. Avengers are the products of their horrible beginnings. You'd be hard-pressed to find an Avenger who hasn't fucked up.

However, to be an Avenger, one has to be willing to do what is right. 

Sam doesn't believe that Steve believes in this anymore.

-

Sam feels disgust for Steve Rogers. He is a hypocrite. When Steve says that Tony should be ashamed for hiding their marriage from him, that he should have trusted them enough to tell the team, Sam nearly explodes. _Steve_ is the hypocrite.

Empathy isn't enough to be someone's friend. It isn't even enough to keep Sam from beginning his campaign against Steve Rogers.

Yes, Steve Rogers is marooned in a time that is not his own. Yes, Steve Rogers lost a friend who was turned into an assassin that is now in intense therapy. 

But that does not give him the right to hurt, betray, and attack his teammates, especially the ones he claims are his friends.

 

Sam cannot be friends with Steve Rogers when he thinks this way, acts this way.

 

Somewhere along the lines, their friendship broke. Maybe it was months ago, maybe it was years ago, but Sam knows that by the time Tony showed up at their home, chest bruised and Sam's name literally crushed into his chest, they were not friends any longer.

Sam cannot be friends with someone who lets preconceived notions overpower trust, who will hit a teammate when he's down and continue battering him until his ideas of justice are served. He will not be friends with a vigilante who has no respect for others.

-

Sam is not here to solve Tony's problems for him, to coddle him. Sam is here to support Tony, to be his pillar and his support. He is here to minimize Tony's pain as much as possible, to comfort him after he's been hurt. Tony does the same for him, holding him after sand-encrusted and fire-seared nightmares.

He won't let his husband endure abuse again, especially if he can do anything at all to prevent it.

- 

Tony kicks Steve out. Sure, he provides him with a place to stay and therapy and money, but he's out of the Tower and Sam couldn't be more satisfied.

Sam has tried to teach Tony a great many things, mostly about how wonderful he truly is, and he's happy that this one has finally sank in:

Self-care is _not_ selfish.

-

Empathy does not mean letting bullying happen, does not mean condoning the continued abuse of victims.

Sam Wilson is an Avenger and a husband, a Lieutenant in the Army and a superhero. He is the current Defender of New York, one of the main allies of Iron Man.

He met his husband on a training exercise six years ago. Tony sauntered onto the field and announced that he was going to see the results of his experiment. Sam had looked him up and down and told him that he would either have go provide proper identification- DNA test preferred- or design something on the spot in order to provide a decent enough reason to allow him into the experiment room for the bionic equipment. 

Tony had grinned and said, "I think you'd make a great superhero."

Sam raised a cool eyebrow at that but didn't disagree.

He could not have become Falcon without Tony, but Tony never could have survived without Sam. They support each other, love each other.

-

Seven years ago, Sam watched his best friend tumble from the sky in a haze of smoke. He cannot bear to see the same thing happen to his husband.

There is a reason Sam's defining feature as a hero is his wings.


	5. where the lines we drew in the sand were crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she was a child (if she was ever a child), Natasha happened across the case of Phineas Gage. She read about the pole that went through his skull, that destroyed his frontal cortex and removed his inhibitions to do things like swear and fight and steal.
> 
> She realized that something like that had happened to her. Killing isn't fun, brings her no pleasure, but she sees no wrong in doing it. Even at eight years old, Natasha Romanoff has no hesitation killing people.
> 
> The metal pole removed Phineas Gate’s inhibition to swear- something removed Natasha’s inhibitions to kill.
> 
> -
> 
> A black widow trails death in her wake. Is it any surprise that Natasha would do the same?

Natasha doesn't often go to see movies, and when she does, it's always with Lara and Clint.

She hasn't gone to the movies in months. There is this one, though, that Lara takes her to see. It's date night, and Clint volunteered to stay home and take care of the kids. Lara and Natasha head to the cinema.

Neither one of them is all that interested in rom-coms. No, rom-coms are saved for date nights with Clint, who's always had a soft spot for true love stories. Natasha and Lara go see the latest horror movies, the latest crime dramas. _Black Swan_ is just the newest in a string of what Clint has christened “sick chick flicks.”

Natasha watches Nina spiral, watches her fall, and understands. Natasha was a ballerina, once- she knows the pattern of obsession, the drive to be the absolute best.

-

Natasha does not feel much for many people. She loves Lara, and she loves Clint, and she cares about their children. She has a soft spot for Tony Stark, and by proxy Sam Wilson.

She does not care about too many other people.

(She does not care about _any_ other people.)

-

There is blood on Natasha Romanoff’s hands. She can't quite bring herself to care about the consequences behind it.

-

She sometimes thinks about her childhood, about how something probably broke inside of her. She thinks about how softness was scraped away to make room for sharp edges, how soft underbellies were traded for blades.

She doesn't feel any remorse as she slices through soldier after soldier. Perhaps she should, perhaps in another life she might have, but she won't think about it. She doesn't care about any human life save her family.

She is a weapon, and she is okay with it.

-

She smiles as she spars with Sam, the adrenaline rush flowing through her veins. She is a machine, a robot pummeling away at her opponent. She notes his weaknesses, his strengths.

He _is_ getting better, learning to trust his bionic leg as his own. He is learning to fully trust it as a weapon just as he does his wings. It is satisfying to witness.

Sam Wilson is good for Tony Stark. He takes care of the billionaire. Tony's bruises are paler, his ribs less prominent, and his smiles more whenever Sam is around. Natasha approves of the Lieutenant as partner for her only friend.

(If he slips up, though…)

-

She was prepared to make room for Steve Rogers, to perhaps allow him into her small circle.

It is hard for her to trust, but it is far harder for her to care. Perhaps she could have been something approaching friends with him.

But Steve breaks her trust. He _hurts_ her Tony, and-

-

Natasha Romanoff has always been coldly objective. Lara refers to it as _playing devil's advocate_ with a quirked eyebrow. Clint refers to it as _Her Evilness, the devil herself_ with a smile and a quip.

She does this after Siberia. She faces Sam and recites the other side's story, tries to dissect Steve Roger’s intentions. Normally she would be good at staying this way, would be as objective as JARVIS, but here is the sticking point: Steve Rogers messed with one of the few people she cared about.

This she cannot forgive.

-

When she was a child (if she was ever a child), Natasha happened across the case of Phineas Gage. She read about the pole that went through his skull, that destroyed his frontal cortex and removed his inhibitions to do things like swear and fight and steal.

She realized that something like that had happened to her. Killing isn't fun, brings her no pleasure, but she sees no wrong in doing it. Even at eight years old, Natasha Romanoff has no hesitation killing people.

The metal pole removed Phineas Gate’s inhibition to swear- something removed Natasha’s inhibitions to kill.

-

She slices through some goon’s armor. Tonight was supposed to be a date night, but fucking Fury got in the way. If that commander wasn't so useful, she'd have taken care of him long ago.

Her phone vibrates once in her pocket and she has it out within seconds. “Yes, love?” she asks as she fires off a laser blast at the idiot running toward her.

“Will you be home within two hours?” Lara asks, and Natasha slices her way through some soldier.

“Yes, love,” Natasha says.

She can practically hear Lara’s smile as she says, “See you in a few, then.”

Natasha smiles. “See you in a few.”

_Click._

She spins, knife burying itself in the neck of the guy sneaking up on her.

_Slice._

-

Steve Rogers ends up kicked out of the Tower, and he finds himself lost in a world not his own.

Unlike Sam Wilson, Natasha feels no sympathy for him. She's never been capable of feeling sympathy towards anyone save Lara, Clint, the kids, Tony, and _sometimes_ Sam.

-

Steve Rogers slowly descends into obscurity, and then-

-

There is a very good reason why the name _Black Widow_ is the most feared of the Avengers, why even the facade of control stops none of the rumors of her viciousness.

 _A machine,_  they call her, _a ruthless, killing machine._

(They are not wrong.)

_-_

Natasha does not have much humanity left.

-

Someone tries to touch Lara, tries to touch the kids, and Natasha unleashes thirty one years of hell on them.

Her enemies never stood a chance.

 

 _It's done_ , she texts Clint and Lara, blood red hair falling into her face as she stands on a ship of the dead. Back at home, her children are bruised and her lovers battered. Beneath her feet, corpse after corpse decorate this ship of fools who tried to take her family down.

Natasha grips her phone between painted fingernails (blood-soaked hands) and feels so very, _very_ alive.

-

In unrelated news, Steve Rogers disappears.

-

A black widow trails death in her wake. Is it any surprise that Natasha would do the same?


	6. never mind a world with its villains or heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Howard Stark was still alive, Sam would be rubbing it in his face, saying _Look at this. Look at what a great man your son became_ despite _what abuse you put him through._

Daddy never hit him. Momma never screamed.

Compared to the childhoods of his friends (save maybe Clint), Sam's was pretty boring. Pretty nice. Nothing worth talking about.

Except, to him it was. Tony clearly agrees, if he insists on visiting Sam's family and begging Momma for photos.

Watching Tony with his family, watching him dote on Georgia and Ayana and Jason, helps Sam feel like the world is finally giving back to a man who never knew love.

Sam’s nephews and nieces love their Uncle Tony unconditionally. It’s really gratifying to watch Tony get so much love and attention, especially after everyone who’s hurt him. His father was abusive. His mother never stuck up for him. Jarvis, the only adult who cared about him, died when he was a teenager. Steve betrayed him.

Ayana, Georgia, and Jason love Tony. Georgia, who wants to be a doctor over all else, thinks her Uncle Tony is the  _ coolest thing ever _ . She doesn’t care about Iron Man- she cares about  _ Dr.  _ Tony Stark, with his two doctorates in Mechanical Engineering and Astrophysics. Every time they’re over, Tony is bombarded with questions about doctoral programs. 

(And the girl’s only  _ eleven _ .)

Ayana loves her Uncle Tony’s goatee and glowing heart. A tenacious five-year-old, the girl constantly goes after Tony, chasing him around until he ‘loses’ and she tackles him. She loves to tap on his glowing chest, her young mind trying to puzzle out how Uncle Tony’s chest is so  _ shiny. _

The way Tony’s face lights up when he plays with Ayana, when he discusses science with Georgia, is satisfying. If Howard Stark was still alive, Sam would be rubbing it in his face, saying  _ Look at this. Look at what a great man your son became  _ despite  _ what abuse you put him through. _

-

So Sam’s Daddy never hit him. Momma never screamed.

Sam knows Tony’s father left bruises, both on his body and heart. He knows Tony’s mother was a delicate woman who let stuff like that happen.

He knows something in Natasha is missing, that the years she spent in Russia hollowed out something important. He knows Clint ran away from home at a young age, that he spent years drifting as a carnie.

Laura was taken advantage of as a carnie at the same circus. Bruce became a raging monster. Thor was cast out of his home.

Sam swears he will never be like Howard Stark. He will never hurt his spouse, or hurt their children. (Yeah, they don’t have any yet, but Peter Parker kind of counts and at the rate Tony’s going Sam’s pretty sure that they’ll collect more orphans soon. Sam’s okay with this. No, he’s more than okay- he actively encourages it. No kid deserves to live without a family.)

He will never hit his children. Tony will never have to scream.

The tower is the home of their family, strange and crazy as it is. The Avengers and SHIELD, the Wilsons and the Bartons. An ever-revolving series of people, lovers and cousins and friends and coworkers. A team of family members who do not hurt each other.

This is Sam’s home. Everything from the mornings waking up next to his husband, Tony’s quiet snores echoing through their room, to afternoons sparring with Natasha and Clint, to evenings with the whole gang chowing away in the kitchen and living room, shouting over each other and chowing through mountains of food.

This is their family, their team, their home. This is what Sam and Tony have built together. It’s not conventional, it’s not anywhere  _ near  _ normal, but it’s theirs.

The only hits are in training. The only screams are during Friday night horror movies.

Sam could not feel better anywhere else.


	7. live like the undertow which catches and keeps stars spread across the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The barest thought of an idea begins to grow from the time he is nine, expanded upon throughout his teenage years and cultivated throughout college. Tony wonders what could have stopped his father, could have stopped other kids like him from growing up like he did.
> 
> Later, he returns to this idea.
> 
> He looks at Sam’s family and tries to scrape together an idea of what made his husband kind, and brave, and strong. He looks at Clint and what pushed him to be the greatest in the land while still being humble. He looks at Bruce and how the doctor is so kind even while containing a monster within his body.
> 
> -
> 
> Tony Stark uses the entire world as the base for his experiment. How far can one person with endless resources change society? How much of an impact can one person have?
> 
> The independent variable: how much money funneled into charities that never had enough resources before.
> 
> Dependent variable: how big of a wave of change can be produced.
> 
> -
> 
> The very fabric of society quakes.

The first time Howard lays a hand on Tony, he is seven years old. Tony’s hands clench, tears well up in his eyes, and he goes running to his room.

The thirty-ninth time he does it, Tony is thirteen years old. He mutters, “Fuck off, old man,” and braces himself for another hit. He’s stopped caring about the pain.

The last time he does it, Tony is nineteen years old. He is holding his first doctoral degree in his hand. He stares his father in the eye and knows that he doesn't have to put up with this.

Tony leaves without a goodbye and his father dies the next day. 

 

Tony’s relationship with his father’s memory has always been a tenuous one.

 

When he meets Sam, when he starts to fall in love with him, Tony almost wishes that Howard was still alive. Not because he wants Sam to have to face his father’s insults- no, Tony wants to keep Sam as far away from his father’s vile words- but because he wishes he could see the look on Howard’s face when he realizes that his son is thinking of proposing to a black man. He wants to see Howard have to confront the bigoted bile he spouted all over his son. He wants to see Howard see a man he would have called  _ nigger _ , would have called  _ fag _ , marry his son.

But Howard’s dead, and to be honest Tony feels no grief.

 

When Maria Stark died, Tony cried. His mother may have turned a blind eye to Howard, but she loved Tony.

When Howard Stark died, Tony didn’t shed a single tear.

-

What truly makes a person bad? What truly makes them good?

What makes them human?

-

There are a great many things Tony experimented with in his time. Bionic limbs, for after he lost an organ of his own; wings, when he wanted others to get to fly like him; weapons, for destruction; solar panels, for renewal.

He begins to wonder how big an experiment could go.

-

There are a number of things a genius can try. All that restrains them is their conscience and their resources.

Tony has a conscience, of that there is no doubt. He cares about far more than Natasha does. He cares about people. He cares about the victims, and the survivors, and those who can't help themselves.

Abuse can change a person. Not make them evil, not without other factors involved, but change them. Give them new priorities.

And if you give people the resources they need, give them the billions they want to tear everything down- well, they can do anything.

-

He plays with Sam’s nieces and nephews, making them laugh. Georgia adores him.

What has he done to earn such a thing? What makes him different from his father, from the words and tears that burned, the slaps and put-downs that hurt?

-

The barest thought of an idea begins to grow from the time he is nine, expanded upon throughout his teenage years and cultivated throughout college. Tony wonders what could have stopped his father, could have stopped other kids like him from growing up like he did.

Later, he returns to this idea.

He looks at Sam’s family and tries to scrape together an idea of what made his husband kind, and brave, and strong. He looks at Clint and what pushed him to be the greatest in the land while still being humble. He looks at Bruce and how the doctor is so kind even while containing a monster within his body.

(He does not touch Natasha’s childhood. There are things that, for his own sanity, he should not delve into. He has a hard time recognizing these a lot of the time, but he does that here and now. Going down the road of what made Natasha more weapon than woman would probably trigger too many of his own fears.

Some things are terrifying for a reason.)

 

It gets frustrating. Human beings are so complicated.

Abuse turns a person sharp, but so does hard work. Laziness makes a person soft, but so does love. The cruelest people can be the smartest; the nicest can be fools. What is the difference? What tips the balance from good to bad?

What made Sam so easy to fall in love with? The answer proves elusive, even after they have been together for five years and married for four. The pieces seem to be there, entangled between superhero battles and kisses at four and grueling physical therapy and playing with nieces.

It would be so easy to quit, to just give up, but Tony has always been too curious for his own good.

-

“What if,” he asks in between kisses pressed to Sam’s neck, “There was a way to stop children from being abused? To stop abusers from returning to what they’ve been doing?”

“I’d say to do it,” Sam says, conviction rooted deep in his voice.

Tony smiles. “Then I will.”

“Good.”

-

Tony has seen the complaints on Twitter, on Facebook, on every sort of social networking site, that billionaires keep too much money to themselves.

He can’t fix this, but he wonders what would happen if he let go of everything, if he turned his pen into a syringe that would allow for transfusions for the money that would save as many lives as blood could.

 

Imagine:

An ad campaign to promote awareness of abuse. A flurry of websites for people worried about friends and family. A host of charities established to help victims of abuse.

More than just these, though- support also goes to anti-bigotry organizations. Anything to fight back against the type of hatred Howard Stark espoused, the kind of bias that still hurts millions of people.

Stark Industries pours billions into all of this. Tony writes blank check after blank check to these foundations, knowing that they’ll never be able to exhaust his wealth no matter how hard they try.

(And by god, does he want them to try. He wants them to grab every dollar he throws at them and use the money to make the world a better place.)

Tony wants to tear down bigotry, wants to destroy the institutions that protect racists and abusers and bigots. He wants to nuke every horrible, biased system.

Even a billionaire can’t do it all, but he can help as much as possible.

 

Tony Stark uses the entire world as the base for his experiment. How far can one person with endless resources change society? How much of an impact can one person have?

The independent variable: how much money funneled into charities that never had enough resources before.

Dependent variable: how big of a wave of change can be produced.

-

The very fabric of society quakes.

-

(Iron Man is only one part of Tony’s legacy. Peter Parker is another, with everything he’ll do to help the world. Stark Industries, producing bionic limbs and solar technology and irrigation systems, will be another. Falcon will be his and Sam’s together.

But this, this outpouring of support for the victims, and the families, and the survivors- this will be his greatest achievement.)

 

Tony wishes his father could be here to see what Tony did to spite him and the poison he tried to spew. Tony did not make weapons, did not create destruction; he created. He healed.

He is everything his father taught him not to be.

_ Merry Christmas, Father, and fuck you. _


	8. where need underweighs want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Clint was a kid, before he even ran away from home, his favorite book series was the Chronicles of Narnia. His favorite character wasn’t Peter, the hero, or Lucy, the Valiant, but rather Susan. An archer who slayed armies, who ruled lands, but was still Gentle. She’s everything he wants to be, everything he wishes he could become.
> 
>  
> 
> When he runs away from home, a well-worn copy of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe stays tucked in his pocket.
> 
>  
> 
> \---
> 
>  
> 
> Sometimes Clint looks at himself and realizes how old he is. Sometimes he feels the aches in his bones, feels the echo of strain when he pulls back the bowstring, and realizes that he probably won’t last much longer.
> 
>  
> 
> As he reads his favorite book to his children, he wonders: is this how Susan felt when she was left behind in England, when she had to deal with limbs growing weak and calluses not being able to hold up against her bowstring?
> 
>  
> 
> (Is this how she felt when her world crumbled before her, when she was taken from Narnia, from Queendom and power, to the mundane world of England?)

It’s been a long time since Clint Barton fired a gun.

(Why would he need to, when he has arrows and his partner has bullets? When he can be just as effective- or more (explosive arrows are the best)- with an arrow?)

\---

His partners are forces of nature.

Laura is the sun, bright and beautiful and bringing hope.

Natasha is the sea, life-giving and fast and exhilarating.

Laura is the sun, burning in her silence and too far for him to reach.

Natasha is the sea, ferocious and violent and threatening to drag you under.

\---

They’re his partners, and his lovers, and his life.

He loves them with everything he has.

\---

When Clint was a kid, before he even ran away from home, his favorite book series was the Chronicles of Narnia. His favorite character wasn’t Peter, the hero, or Lucy, the Valiant, but rather Susan. An archer who slayed armies, who ruled lands, but was still Gentle. She’s everything he wants to be, everything he wishes he could become.

When he runs away from home, a well-worn copy of  _the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_ stays tucked in his pocket.

\---

_Natasha is barren, but neither Laura nor Clint care. The night of their wedding, Natasha is there as maid of honor at Clint’s side, mini dres a deep, dark blue. When the three of them tumble into bed together, hot and young and on top of the world, the rings around their fingers flash in the darkness._

_“Don’t worry,” Laura says, “Any child we create will be yours as well.”_

_Natasha flashes them a grin. Clint loves these smiles just as much as he loves her face set by battle, cold and stoic. “Can’t wait to be Mama Nat.”_

_“Neither can we,” Clint says, winking at them both, and Laura nudges him in the shoulder._

_“Oh shut up, you idiot,” she teases, and Natasha’s eyes glint in agreement._

\---

Clint notices the chain around Tony’s neck and realizes that he wears his promise ‘round his neck the same way that Clint and Natasha do, trying to keep the physical symbol of their relationship safe from getting banged up on missions.

(Dogtags and rings alike can get easily dented by robots controlled by evil AI bent on world domination.)

\---

Sometimes Clint looks at himself and realizes how old he is. Only Tony and Bruce (and Thor, though that’s sometimes easy to forget) are older than him. ‘Tasha, Sam, Steve, Bucky, Laura, Wanda, Pietro and definitely Peter are all younger than him. Sometimes he feels the aches in his bones, feels the echo of strain when he pulls back the bowstring, and realizes that he probably won’t last much longer.

As he reads his favorite book to his children, he wonders: is this how Susan felt when she was left behind in England, when she had to deal with limbs growing weak and calluses not being able to hold up against her bowstring?

(Is this how she felt when her world crumbled before her, when she was taken from Narnia, from Queendom and power, to the mundane world of England?)

\---

Sometimes, when the world gets to be too much, when he just wants to let go of the chaos, the cacophony, he takes out his hearing aids and just enjoys the silence. It is beautiful, in the same way that Laura's smile or 'Tasha's arching blades are. The silence is something he lived in for so long, something familiar and deep. It is a blessing, an escape from the cacophony of the world.

He leans back his head and lets the nothingness wash over him as he begins to pull food out of the fridge and make dinner. He needs these breaks sometimes, when the world gets to be too much. Laura and 'Tasha do similar things: Laura goes out into the fields at their farm and just weeds until her fingers give up while 'Tasha goes into the gum and spars.

He smiles as he begins to mix all of the ingredients for goulash together. This is comforting, especially after a mission like the one he just finished. Food and silence: two of his favorite comforts. Just add his family- which he'll get after he's done cooking- and everything will be perfect.

\---

 _He takes Laura and ‘Tasha to see the movie_ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe  _when it premieres in 2005. Laura is heavily pregnant with their first child but is just as excited as he is- she remembers as well as him the batter paperback they carried from stop to stop on the circus route and the world contained within its pages. ‘Tasha is kind of just along for the road, ready to enjoy the movie adaptation of the story that captivates her partners._

_The movie is no disappointment. Susan appears just as she always did: hesitant, rational, and pinpoint accurate. His hero is as majestic as she always was, with all her doubts and flaws intact. No matter her treatment in the later books, she is in her apex here, with her first battle and her Queendom bestowed upon her in the end._

_When the movie ends and they leave the theatre, Clint can’t wait for the sequel to come along. When the Pevensies return to Narnia, Susan is bound to be even greater now that she has been Queen for decades._

 

When, on a movie night in Avengers tower years later (before Peter joins but after Steve is gone) they watch  _Prince Caspian,_ the sequel to the first Narnia movie, Clint spends the whole time pointing out similarities to the characters.

“See,” Clint says, pointing at different characters throughout the movie, “Thor is obviously Peter, right? And Tony is Caspian, and Sam is Edmund. Bruce is Lucy, Vision is Aslan, Natasha is Reepicheep, Pietro is Trumpkin, and Wanda is Eustace.”

“And you’re obviously Susan,” Tony says. He winks. “Barton, do you have something you want to tell me?”

Clint shakes his head vigorously. “Susan and Caspian are  _not_ a thing. If anything- as you’ll see in the next movie- Caspian and  _Edmund_ are totally a thing.”

Tony turns to his husband and grins. “Here that, sweetie? We get to be  _Kings_ , and Nat, Speedy Gonzalez, and Sabrina get to be our knights?  _Sweet_.”

“Hey,” Wanda says, “We ‘ave not watched this “Eustace” yet, but I doubt he is your knight-”

Then Clint continues, unhampered by anyone’s interruptions, “Now, if we were going off of the books, you’d all probably be different characters ‘cause then we’d get to use  _A Horse and his Boy_ , and Thor would be  _just_ as great as Aravis as he would be as Peter, and Vision would make a great Shasta-”

Sam leans in at Natasha’s side. “Is he always this passionate about this series?”

She nods. “He and Laura loved it as a kid. It apparently got him through some really bad stuff and so the extreme love for the series is understandable.”

\---

He, Laura, and Natasha are reaching their fifteen year anniversary (he’s 50, Natasha’s 37, and Laura’s 45) when his defenses slip. For just a moment, he lets his guard down for too long and he, his children, and his wife have to pay the price. A team of enemy agents beat them up and kidnap them before Clint has the chance to draw his arrows.

‘Tasha gets to them two days after they’ve been kidnapped. She opens the door to the room they’re being held in, blood staining her weapons and her hands. Her expression is set, the glint in her eyes fierce, and her posture square. There is no regret in her expression. She doesn’t care about the rampage that she’s just committed. All that she cares about is them, and as he watches her untie them all and scoop the kids into hugs, he realizes that her missing empathy should mean something quite bad. It should mean something  _dangerous._

But she’s his family. She’s his lover and partner, mother to his kids and partner to his wife. She’s always been dangerous- this changes nothing save bringing it to the front.

Then ‘Tasha turns to him, their toddler (Jenna, their third after Charlie, their oldest at a precocious ten, and Jayden, their brilliant seven-year-old) wrapped in her arms. She offers out an arm to him, an eyebrow raised as if in dare. She seems to realize that something has changed in him.

He takes Charlie, who he’d been holding the hand of, and steps forward and into her arms. Charlie wraps her arms around Mama Nat’s leg as Laura brings Jayden over. They all fall into a family hug, and everything feels right again.

\---

Clint is all too aware of his partner’s feelings- or more importantly, lack thereof- towards most of humanity. He knows that killing does not bother her as much as it used to bother him, that to her pushing a blade into someone’s heart is no worse than buttering a slice of bread for the kids.

(That it has never bothered her.)

Sometimes, it bothers him. Most of the time, though, he can’t afford to dwell on moral quandaries. The years they spent next to each other, killing marks in SHIELD’s name, has numbed him to their assassination spree.

At first, even the Avengers was just another duty, another mission. Even if it later became a moral thing, a just thing, for then it was but another mission.

(He has his suspicions as to what really happened to Steve Rogers. But there is some piece of him, some piece that has hardened over the years, some piece that  _understands_ the want to hurt people who have hurt those he loves, that approves of what she did.

And so he says nothing.)

\---

Clint goes to Laura and ‘Tasha a few weeks after the incident. The kids are in bed after a day of playing in the surprise snow and the three of them are gathered around the table. ‘Tasha has a mug of tea in her hands and Laura and Clint have mugs of hot chocolate in front of them.

“I can’t trust myself to protect you and the kids all the way out here anymore,” Clint says. “Either I retire so I can be here all the time or we move the family to the Avengers tower so we can have full-time security.”

Laura looks around the ranch house, the farm that they bought for themselves after they escaped the circus. “If the kids and I move into the Tower, can we keep the farm going? Hire an extra farmhand or two to cover the workload lost if I leave? I can continue to plan everything from the Tower and get Andre to run things firsthand here.”

“Sounds good to me,” Clint says, and looks to ‘Tasha. “How about you?”

She shrugs and blows on the hot tea in her hands. “The farm isn’t mine. Whatever you two decide to do about is your choice. All I care about is Laura and the kids’ safety.” She looks to Laura. “I just want you four to be as safe as possible, and the Tower provides security.”

Laura smiles softly. “Good. Now, are the Stark-Wilsons okay with this? I wouldn’t want to impose.”

Clint grins. “Sam’s wanted to spend more time with you and the kids ever since they were stuck here during the Ultron fiasco, and Tony is fine with kids, especially if his husband cares about them. They’re both fine with you guys moving in, especially as the Tower has three floors dedicated to residential space for the Avengers. Everyone agrees that they’d love to have more family in the Tower. I mean, Tony and Sam’s nieces already come around once a month. Having more kids there won’t really hurt anyone.”

“Then it looks like we’re moving,” Laura says. “I’ll miss the farm, but I care more about my family’s safety than this house.”

“Ironic thing to say when your partners are two assassins,” ‘Tasha says.

Laura grins. “Last time I heard, you two were superheroes.”

\---

_The first time someone calls Clint a ‘superhero’ is after the Battle of New York, after Tony Stark sent a nuke into a black hole. His head is still pounding from Loki’s scepter, his thoughts scrambled. In battle it was a bit easier to focus, the familiar chaos taking him back to every mission and its singular endgoal, but now that things are calmer it’s hard to get to the lingering thoughts of a god out of his head._

_Something taps him in the side. He looks down, ready to kick away whatever it is. He finds a little girl, no more than seven, staring up at him with a grin. She's holding the shaft from one of his arrows and wearing a baseball cap. She reminds him of Charlie, only five years old._

_“You shot that arrow, though, right?” she nearly shouts, and he's glad that he turns down his hearing aids during battles because shit, she's loud._

_He nods and she nearly shrieks. “You're a superhero!”_

_“Um,” he blinks, a bit shocked. He's aware of Tony, Steve, Bruce, and even Thor being labelled as such, but he's been nothing but a spy for years._

_“I want to be like you when I grow up,” she declares. “My Daddy says I can start archery soon. I told him that I wanna be like Katniss and Queen Susan and_ you  _. You just saved my city like they saved their worlds.”_

_“Start with a compound bow,” he advises. “Easier pull.”_

_Her face breaks back into that blinding smile. “Thanks, sir!”_

_“Good luck, then,” he says, finally far enough out of shock to start looking around for ‘Tasha. Laura will never let him live it down if he manages to lose their partner after a battle._

_“Bye!” The little girl shouts, dropping something into his unfurled palm, and he turns to find her running off to what he suspects is her family. He looks down to see his shaft in his hand._

_‘Tasha walks up to him. “Good to have you back, Clint,” she says. Clint turns and places a quick kiss to her cheek. ‘Tasha’s face shifts into a true grin. “And it seems like that you’re happy to have me back too.”_

_“Always,” Clint says. His head is clearer with her here, the scepter’s whispers quieter._

\---

Susan Pevensie never asked to be made Queen. Clint Barton never asked to be named “hero.”

Despite this, Susan became named Gentle. Clint became named Hawkeye.

They fought battles, they fell in love, they became everything they were never supposed to be and more. Susan faded off the page as soon as Aslan cast her back into England, dismissed because she was interested in “lipsticks and nylons.” Clint had to lean back, had to give up parts of his job and his dreams because he had to protect his family and he was getting too old.

And yet, they became legend.


	9. not too old to start thinking about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor has always existed, and always will exist until Ragnarok itself. 
> 
> Tony and Sam will die someday, but not before they shake Midgard down to its foundations.

It all comes back to this, doesn’t it?

* * *

Tony and Sam are third in a line of great warrior partners.

First, near the dawn of time, was Thoth and Athena. Then came Ingrid and Etta, Valkyries made in the sixth century. Now, there are the Defenders of New York, leaders of a band of superheroes.

Thor cannot say that he is suprised.

* * *

Mjolnir determines might, determines worth and greatness.

No, that’s not quite right. Mjolnir _recognizes_ greatness. The true meaning of greatness has varied over the years, but normally, it means ability to change. To change oneself, to change one's world. 

* * *

Human lives are so fleeting, so...pointless, in the end, yet these heroes wage wars that burn entire nations, entire empires, down. They love so passionately, so desperately. It's admirable, putting all that effort into something so ephemeral.

And yet, sometimes changes that humans wrought are not temporal. Their deeds, their monuments, become legend. The Pyramids, the Great Wall, the Towers, and the Statues.

Humans may live short lives, but their legacy can be Great.

* * *

Jane told him once about a mortal saying. “Some are born great, some become great, and others have greatness thrust upon them.”

Well, the gods have a saying as well: "Cattle die, kindred die, we ourselves also die; but the fair fame never dies of him who has earned it."

* * *

Thor has always existed, and always will exist until Ragnarok itself. 

Tony and Sam will die someday, but not before they shake Midgard down to its foundations.


	10. those we call friends lend strength to our backbones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Steve Rogers disappears, they realize that they’ll probably need a new Avenger. Or, at least, a Defender of New York so that Sam can join Tony and the rest of the Avengers on missions.
> 
> -
> 
> Originally, it was Steve Rogers, but just briefly enough that history didn't classify him by the title until far after the fact.
> 
> Then, after a long break, it became Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man. He patrolled the skies, taking down villains and protecting New York from destruction. For two years he protected New York from its enemies, striking down both weapons and wits, up until the moment the Avengers was formed.
> 
> Then it became Falcon’s job. The only really domestically based Avenger, Lt. Sam Wilson is a patriotic man who already fought for the Army. The perfect face for New York, Sam defended New York with a single-minded determination and discipline that leaves people shocked.
> 
> Then comes Spider-Man as the fourth Defender of New York, and Peter Parker as the newest member of Avengers Tower.

After Steve Rogers disappears, they realize that they’ll probably need a new Avenger. Or, at least, a Defender of New York so that Sam can join Tony and the rest of the Avengers on missions.

-

Originally, it was Steve Rogers, but just briefly enough that history didn't classify him by the title until far after the fact.

Then, after a long break, it became Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man. He patrolled the skies, taking down villains and protecting New York from destruction. For two years he protected New York from its enemies, striking down both weapons and wits, up until the moment the Avengers was formed.

Then it became Falcon’s job. The only really domestically based Avenger, Lt. Sam Wilson is a patriotic man who already fought for the Army. The perfect face for New York, Sam defended New York with a single-minded determination and discipline that leaves people shocked.

(New York cheers when Falcon reveals himself to be not only black, but also gay. He is bringing inspiration to a generation of kids who couldn’t see themselves to be _right_ , much less heroic.

This is one of Sam’s greatest accomplishments.)

Then comes Spider-Man as the fourth Defender of New York, and Peter Parker as the newest member of Avengers Tower.

-

“I know that look,” Sam says as Tony walks into the gym, a couple of months after Steve leaves. Tony’s dressed up in a suit, which isn’t that strange save when you take into consideration the fact that Tony is supposed to be in the lab right now. “You've gone and done something, haven’t you?”

Tony winces. “I may have pseudo-adopted a kid,” he says.

Sam blinks and then shrugs. “Not the weirdest possible thing you could have said. Alright, let's me him. I _am_ their pseudo-stepfather, or uncle, or whatever the hell you're referring to yourself as.”

“Alright. He’s coming by the tower tomorrow.”

“Good,” Sam says, and goes back to breaking in his bionic leg. “Anything else?”

“And he may be the next Avenger,” Tony admits.

Sam stops in the middle of his lunge. “He’s how old?”

“Seventeen?”

Sam purses his lips. He _would_ complain about how young the kid is, but nearly all of the Avengers started out young. Clint ran away from home at sixteen. Natasha was made an assassin at ten. Tony entered college at fourteen; Sam joined the Army at eighteen. Thor’s a fucking _god_ and Wanda and Pietro are just nineteen themselves.

“Alright,” Sam says, “But bring him by tomorrow. Uncle Sam’s gonna say hi.”

Tony smirks, then leans forward and plants a kiss on Sam’s cheek. “Knew you’d say yes.”

-

“Hey, kid,” Sam says, opening the door for Peter Parker. The kid looks anxious to be here, his posture uncertain, but his eyes gleam with that curiosity Tony’s does. Sam nearly sighs. _Oh dear, not another one._ “Come on in- he’s in the lab.”

The kid stays where he is, however, and sticks out a hand to shake. “Peter Parker,” he says, “You must be Lt. Sam Wilson. Dr. Stark’s told me all about you.”

Sam grins and shakes the kid’s hand. “Did he really?”

Peter nods. “He says you’re the coolest superhero he’s ever met, even including, and I quote, ‘his dazzling self.’”

Sam snorts. That’s Tony for you. “Yeah, I’m Sam Wilson. Nice to meet you, Peter.”

“Nice to meet you, Lieutenant,” the kid says, then slips through and to the lab.

 _This’ll be fun_ , Sam thinks as he shuts the door behind him.

-

Peter Parker thinks that Tony Stark-Wilson is the coolest fucking person to ever live.

(Sam thinks this is both amusing but also pretty accurate.)

-

Peter Parker swings by (oh, fuck off, Tony can use as many puns as he wants) the Tower about once a week, usually on Saturdays. He spends Saturdays holed up in the lab with Tony and Sundays in the gym and the kitchen, training both his fighting and cooking skills.

Peter adores them both: the nerd-psuedo-Uncle who becomes a mentor and lab partner, and the good-humored soldier who takes him under his wing (no pun intended) and teaches him both how to fight and how to cook.

(To be honest, all of the Avengers kind of become mentors to Peter. He’s the newbie, a teenager who they all kind of feel protective over. He may be a superhero, but he’s only been one for a few months at most. They have decades and in some cases even centuries on him.)

-

When Falcon flies with the Avengers, Spiderman swings through New York, taking down the villain who seek to take over or destroy the city. Spiderman tends to follow more of an Iron Man route- wisecracking, joking, making obscure references- with villains than Falcon did, but New York loves them both.

-

“I think you made a good choice, making him a superhero,” Sam says as they watch the news in a pub in Cardiff, Wales. Footage of Spiderman making his way across the New York skyline flashes across the screen, complete with high-quality stock footage of Avengers Tower. (Though the fight took place _nowhere near_ Avengers Tower.)

“I think _you_ made a good choice, training him,” Tony says, taking a swig of his beer.

Sam rolls his eyes. “I only did that to keep an eye on him. He has the same forgetting-to-eat-because-science-is-just-so-fucking-cool thing that you do.”

Tony bats his eyelashes at his husband. “You love it.”

Sam smiles fondly at Tony. “That I do.”

-

And then Sam, Laura, and Peter get sucked into an alternate universe, where everything is a musical, and  _Tony and Natasha like each other_ -

Spiderman's not the newest or shiniest thing in the room anymore.

(Life’s about to get pretty crazy, and that’s saying something.)


	11. flash like the blade of the knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a billionaire seeing an angel, seeing the wings and leg he made work. It begins with a man coasting in to land, begins with a first date at a local diner after training, a superhero dragging a soldier into a booth. It begins with kind hearted ribbing and a shared understanding of desert sand.
> 
> Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a circus show. It begins with a trapeze artist flying through the air as an archer shoots arrows through her legs, begins with a girl who has been taken advantage of too many times. It begins with bandages pressed against skin, kisses behind the bigtop tent.
> 
> Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a group therapy session for vets. It begins with a monster who is two decades younger and half a century older than a soldier. It begins with a stupid bet, with two men named James sharing their secrets. It begins with honest words, drinks, and a man reclaiming his mind as his own.
> 
> Depending on where you start the story, everything changes, and yet nothing does.

Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a billionaire seeing an angel, seeing the wings and leg he made _work_. It begins with a man coasting in to land, begins with a first date at a local diner after training, a superhero dragging a soldier into a booth. It begins with kind hearted ribbing and a shared understanding of desert sand.

(“So,” Sam says, “You're Tony Stark.”

“Yep, that's me,” Tony says, picking up the menu. “Genius playboy billionaire philanthropist.”

“And the man who designed the Falcon wings.”

Tony nods. “And that.” He smiles. “I'm rather proud of that one.”

Sam arches an eyebrow. “Because it's a weapon?”

“Because it save lives, both the innocent and the soldiers who have seen too much.”

Sam's lips quirk up into a smile.)

 

It begins with a trip to New York, to the apartment that a soldier once called home. It begins with a trip to his sister’s place, with meeting a new family that accepts a broken man unconditionally. It begins with a small child looking a superhero straight in the eyes and not seeing him as a hero because of his iron armor, but because of his mind.

(“Uncle Sam got a new boyfriend!” Georgia crows, pulling Tony into the kitchen, “And he’s a _doctor!”_

Sam laughs as he bounces Ayana on his hip. “Is that right, sweetie!”

“Yeah!” Georgia shouts, “And I’m gonna be just like Mr. Tony when I get older!”

Sam’s eyes sparkle as Tony grins and says, “Always a noble path to pursue, being like Tony Stark.”

“I’d have to agree with that,” Sam says.)

\---

Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a circus show. It begins with a trapeze artist flying through the air as an archer shoots arrows through her legs, begins with a girl who has been taken advantage of too many times. It begins with bandages pressed against skin, kisses behind the bigtop tent.

(“I know what they did to you,” Clint says, “And I want to rip their throats out for it.”

Laura shakes her head. “Let’s just run away.”

Clint frowns. “Again? We ran away to _come_ here, to get away from our terrible pasts.”

“And now we have nothing here,” Laura says. “Might as well find ourselves somewhere safe to go.”)

 

It begins with a spy mission, with the spilling of blood and a successful assassination attempt. It begins with bright eyes and bright blades, grim smiles and pinprick-accurate shots. It begins with blood spilt, with creeping shadows and lightning-quick deaths.

( _You go in from the right, I’ll take left,_ Natasha signs, crouched behind the corner of a hallway in some top-secret laboratory.

Clint nods, nocking one of his sonic arrows even as his fingers sign out their code. _I’ll take out the biologist- you grab the mark._

She presses a button on the inside of her wrists, activating the suction on her gloves. _See you on the flip side, Barton._

_See you at base, Romanoff.)_

 

It begins with a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, with an expectant mother and her two lovers. It begins with debates over crops, kisses on the cheek, bills paid.

(“You think this will work well for our family?” Laura asks, and Natasha shrugs.

“It's up to you guys,” she says, “I can work well anywhere, as long as it has plenty of escape routes.”

“Then it looks like we’re sold,” Clint says, smiling as he leans against the gates of the fence.)

\---

Depending on where you start the story, it begins with a group therapy session for vets. It begins with a monster who is two decades younger and half a century older than a soldier. It begins with a stupid bet, with two men named James sharing their secrets. It begins with honest words, drinks, and a man reclaiming his mind as his own.

(“I’m Sergeant James Barnes, Army,” Bucky says, and even after two months out of the Winter Soldier mindset his voice still sounds strange to him. “And it’s a long story how I got here.”

James nods. “Lt. Colonel James Rhodes, Air Force, and tell me about it. You’ll never get what I did after I left the Army, the kind of missions I’ve gone on.”

Bucky snorts. “I’ll bet you I’ve seen worse.”

“Bet you drinks that you’re wrong.”

“That’s a bet I feel fine taking.”)

 

It begins with a back hallway at a gala, two soldiers hiding as far away from the fancy ballroom as possible. It begins with laughter, with a man with a monster in him learning how to smile. It begins with two older brothers focusing on themselves and learning to love outside of the friendships that have occupied their lives for years.

(“I’m leading, Barnes,” James says, and Bucky laughs.

“I don’t how to follow, James, so you’re gonna have to teach me.”

“Good thing I had to help Tony practice in college, then.”)

\---

Depending on where you start the story, everything changes, and yet nothing does.


	12. nothing more than strangers they've never met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam Wilson is a curious thing to Natasha. At first glance, he seems to be the most ordinary of all the Avengers. He has no superpowers, is no god, is no extraordinary genius. He isn’t a superspy, or an assassin, or any kind of specialized hero. His wings are not even own.
> 
> At first, she can't tell why Tony married Sam. He seems a nice enough man, polite to her in a way most clients are not, but he is nothing extraordinary.
> 
> What makes Sam Wilson special? What made Tony Stark, genius and billionaire and superhero, fall in love with an ordinary soldier?
> 
> This is one of the questions that constantly flows through Natasha’s head, entering when she sees him and exiting when he’s nowhere near. How could such an ordinary man- no traumatic past, no genius, no superpowers- capture the attention of Tony Stark?
> 
> And then she learns about Riley, and what happened in Afghanistan, and she begins to understand Tony’s husband.

Lt. Sam Wilson keeps showing up at Stark Tower, visiting at odd times and sometimes spending a few nights at a time in the residential quarters. After this occurs every few days for two weeks, she goes digging through files. She soon finds evidence of a Sam Stark-Wilson, married to Tony Stark-Wilson for a year and a half.

At first, she can't tell why Tony married Sam. He seems a nice enough man, polite to her in a way most clients are not, but he is nothing extraordinary.

What makes Sam Wilson special? What made Tony Stark, genius and billionaire and superhero, fall in love with an ordinary soldier?

This is one of the questions that constantly flows through Natasha’s head, entering when she sees him and exiting when he’s nowhere near. How could such an ordinary man- no traumatic past, no genius, no superpowers- capture the attention of Tony Stark?

And then she learns about Riley, and what happened in Afghanistan, and she begins to understand Tony’s husband.

* * *

When Steve guides her to Sam Wilson’s apartment when they're running from SHIELD, she is ready to meet the man who has fascinated her (just as a Venus flytrap fascinates a scientist) for years now. 

"Hello," Sam greets them, "How can I help you?"

As Steve explains about HYDRA, she watches Sam's face. She watches the seriousness in which he takes in the info, the fixed stare of his eyes. There is nothing soft or ordinary about the way he volleys back a few quick, well-thought questions about HYDRA's military strengths and plans.

Perhaps she underestimated him. Dammit, she hates it when she does that.

-

She catches Sam checking his watch as they strap into their gear.

"Checking on Stark?" She asks, and his head jerks to look at her. He stares at her, a guarded look in his eyes. 

"What do you care about Stark?" He asks, tone hard in a way she has never heard before. Sam had never been anything but jovial to Tony Stark's PA. 

"Certainly not as much as you do," she says, tone even, and watches as he nearly flinches.

"Don't tell anyone," he instructs her, and she raises an eyebrow. 

"You ashamed of him?"

His expression is dangerous, reminding of Clint's arrows or her blades. The Sam Wilson of Stark Tower is well gone, replaced by soldier and secret spy-hero. "Never."

She looks him over, everything that should be ordinary yet isn't. "When we get back to the Tower," she says, "We should spar."

It only takes him a moment to pick up on the new conversation thread. "Sounds like a good plan, Romanoff."

Steve ducks his head into the hallway. "We've gotta go, guys."

Sam nods. "We'll follow you out," he says, grabbing the last remote from his bag.

* * *

When Sam becomes such a hero renowned a world over, she still doesn't quite understand it. She does accept it, though.

Sam Wilson is a curious thing to Natasha. At first glance, he seems to be the most ordinary of all the Avengers. He has no superpowers, is no god, is no extraordinary genius. He isn’t a superspy, or an assassin, or any kind of specialized hero. His wings are not even own.

And yet, he is everything a hero should be.

 


	13. shine in the dark places (where the street lamps are broken)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he and James begin to become close friends, start to inch close to becoming more than friends, Rhodey is wary. If James defends Steve, it strikes James off the list. You can't betray Rhodey’s best friend and then expect for him to like you.
> 
> But he never does. James is quiet and understanding, eyes wide open in wonder and curiosity far more than his fist is ever clenched close in anger.
> 
> When Rhodey holds James in his arms after a dissociative episode, after a flashback, after a panic attack, he cannot pretend to know what horrors the man went through under HYDRA’s rule. He will never pretend to understand what it’s like to hold the memories of a monster in his head, but he can understand what it’s like to enter a war zone, to be ready to die for your country and friends.
> 
> (What he knows is this- the feeling of flying, of landing, of ordering troops and following orders, of being a soldier and a patriot and a big brother. And he knows that James Barnes knows many of these things as well.)
> 
> Not Steve Friendly.

Steve Rogers is a dick, plain and simple. James Rhodes was never his friend, never even trusted him, so he has no preconceived prejudices in his favor.

When Rogers hurts Rhodey’s little brother, causes the words to catch in Tony's throat and bruises to stain his chest, he is ready to destroy the captain.

Rogers is lucky that Tony is self-sacrificing to the point of martyrdom. He is lucky that Tony won't let any of them- Pepper, Natasha, Sam, Rhodey himself- take their distaste out on this son of a bitch who shows the absolute most appalling sense of loyalty that Rhodey has ever seen in a soldier.

(Sometimes he thinks that Tony actually realizes this- how willing his family is to not only protect him, but to  _ kill  _ for him. Rhodey thinks that Tony purposely tries to avoid this truth as much as he can.)

\---

When he first meets James Barnes, the man's hands are shaking.

“I'm sorry,” he says, voice low and gruff in a way that speaks to how unused he is to speaking. “About what we did to Tony.”

Rhodey is far too familiar with what soldiers do under orders, much less what they can do under mind control. He doesn’t blame Bucky for protecting himself against a man he had never met, a man who was attacking him. (He knows Tony can be impulsive and can makes rash decisions. It’s one of Tony’s greatest flaws, and Rhodey is fully aware of it.) “No need to apologize for what you did,” Rhodey says, “It’s Rogers that I’m pissed at.”

“Understandable,” James says.

\---

(Rhodey is not a perfect soldier, but he tries to be a good man. He funnels his energy into his duties to his nation and to his family- his mother, Tony, Pepper, his uncle Ray, and now Sam. 

Rhodey can tell that James is trying to accomplish the same thing. He can see the former winter soldier struggling to defrost and be a good man again.)

\---

Rhodey sees Sam holding Tony close during movie nights, Sam’s arm slung casually around Tony’s shoulder, Tony curled into Sam's side, and laughter upon both of their lips. He sees the way they share that same half-smile, the way they fanboy over the Falcon wings, Star Trek Discovery (apparently the minority representation is, and he quotes, “balls out awesome, Rhodey, like what in the name of Spock’s holy eyebrows"), and Law & Order. He sees how in love they are, five years out. He sees them as the broken men and the superheroes they are.

And he will do anything to keep them both happy.

\---

When he and James begin to become close friends, start to inch close to becoming more than friends, Rhodey is wary. If James defends Steve, it strikes James off the list. You can't betray Rhodey’s best friend and then expect for him to like you.

But he never does. James is quiet and understanding, eyes wide open in wonder and curiosity far more than his fist is ever clenched close in anger. 

When Rhodey holds James in his arms after a dissociative episode, after a flashback, after a panic attack, he cannot pretend to know what horrors the man went through under HYDRA’s rule. He will never pretend to understand what it’s like to hold the memories of a monster in his head, but he  _ can  _ understand what it’s like to enter a war zone, to be ready to die for your country and friends.

(What he knows is this- the feeling of flying, of landing, of ordering troops and following orders, of being a soldier and a patriot and a big brother. And he knows that James Barnes knows many of these things as well.)

When Rhodey kisses a man outside of Sandra’s Diner, he holds no pretences. He does not delude himself that he can fix Bucky Barnes with a few dates and a few kisses.

What he does believe, though, is that he can help. He can support Bucky, if Bucky needs it. He can easily fall in love with this man who has been through hell and back, but who is not broken like the world says he is.

This man is now part of Rhodey’s family, and that means more than words can say. 


	14. like fireflies playing against the backdrop of midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is nearly fifty years old, and sometimes he feels every year of his age. He knows that the tabloids are judging him for going so long without ever getting married. Him, though- he’s so incredibly glad that he waited this long to find someone to commit to spending the rest of his life with, because Sam was worth waiting for.
> 
> “You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow.
> 
> Tony’s brow furrows. “What thing?”
> 
> “You’re thinking bad about yourself again,” Sam says.
> 
> Tony smirks. “Never. Haven’t you met me?”
> 
> “Yeah, I have. You promised to trust me, Tones,” Sam says, a note of frustration poking into his voice, “I don’t want to push, especially if you feel uncomfortable with it, but I want to be here for you. I can’t do that fully if you don’t share your thoughts with me.”
> 
> Tony takes a deep breath. He does trust Sam. He knows Sam, knows the way they fit together, knows the pasts they share.
> 
> Truth is a bomb, he thinks, But it can also be a relief.
> 
> “Okay,” Tony says, and allows himself to open up.

Sam's last tour (before officially retiring active duty in Afghanistan in favor of becoming Falcon) happens to coincide with the invasion of New York by Loki and Tony's near-death trip to space.

He doesn’t hear about what Tony did- how he nearly died, how he sacrificed himself for everyone in New York City, how he flew into a black hole and JARVIS said that his last words were _I love you, Sam_ \- until he gets home.

(He and Tony have been married for less than a year by this point. Sam hasn’t got entirely used to Tony’s recklessness, to what it’s like to feel that quick sting of fear shooting down his spine.)

Sam walks up to the entrance of Stark Tower, not even bothering to change out of his fatigues. He hasn't seen Tony in months, and he wants to see his husband. He wants to wash the desert away from him, wants to feel like a normal civilian again.

He doesn’t even have to talk to Tony’s new PA (not Natalia- the redhead disappeared while Sam was on tour- but a different scarily competent woman he’ll soon learn is named Padma Patil) before his husband is sprinting across the floor of the lobby.

Sam sees Tony, and it's like seeing (not an angel, certainly, because Tony is flawed and Sam wouldn't have him any other way) a lake after a long stint in the desert. Refreshing, a dream made reality, a reminder of what Sam has been missing for ages- everything Sam wants and needs.

Tony grins wearily as he sees Sam. Sam instantly spots the new scars and bruises, the circles under Tony's eyes, the reminders of the battle he only distantly heard about. It takes him back to the days when Iron Man was the _only_ superhero, the lone Defender of New York.

(Sam and Tony had started dating just a month after the announcement of Iron Man's true identity. Obadiah Stane had been dealt with, but the scars of his betrayal still remained fresh. Sam knows that not all of Tony's nightmares are related to his father, and he knows how easy it is for Tony to still get hurt.)

Sam feels two rings pressed against his chest as he and Tony hold each other tight. He and Tony's rings and his dog tags are dangling around their necks, hanging where they can’t get dented or scuffed in the lab or the field.

“I missed you,” Sam says, voice raw, and Tony nods.

“Missed you too, Birdbrain.”

\---

“You're a fucking idiot,” Sam says when Tony tells him the whole story, bit by dangerous bit, as they're lying in bed together that night.

“And you love me anyway,” Tony says with a smirk.

“That I do,” Sam says, “But that doesn’t mean that I want “til the day I die” to be as soon as possible, that’s all.”

Tony’s smirk falls away, face opening up into vulnerability. “I understand completely,” he says, hand tracing Sam’s bare chest. Sam’s ring knocks against his fingers.

Their marriage is young, only two years old. Sam's been gone for a year, during which their primary form of communication was the occasional letter or encrypted video call. (The second lieutenants in Sam's company- Nick Eisner, Lauren Shiba, and Frank Zhang- Sam had trusted with his life and his secret marriage, and so he didn’t have to hide the calls with Tony.)

So young- Tony doesn’t want to lose Sam after only having gotten to spend such a short amount of time with him.

\---

Tony's at a charity gala (all the proceeds will go to supporting veterans' charities) when the world starts to close in. He isn't sure exactly what triggered it- perhaps the music, perhaps the appearance of the man standing behind the CEO he's talking to- but he recognizes what's happening to his heartrate.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Tony says, forcing a lazy smile, “I’ve got to see a man about a solar-powered water irrigation system.”

And then he’s scooting off into a back hallway as the world threatens to cave in around him.

 

_He can't breathe, the world's getting dark, he's never gonna see Sam again-_

“Tony,” Sam's familiar voice says softly, and Tony can feel a light touch on his elbow. Tony looks up and finds himself crouched on the back hallway of the third floor, suit creasing. He is clutching his own hand, left hand trying to steady his right wrist. Sam is squatting in front of him, concern in his eyes.

It was a joint decision, not announcing their marriage to the press. Tony didn't want to expose Sam to the paparazzi, and Sam didn't want the press to have another point to push Tony on. They _both_ wanted to be able to keep their love life as private as possible, to leave them with room to breathe.

Sam slides down against the wall next to Tony until he's sitting on the carpet by his husband's side.

“You okay?” he asks, voice carefully soft.

Tony looks at Sam, drinking in his face. He admires Sam so much for being a soldier and fighting for the country he loves, but that doesn’t mean Tony didn’t miss him when he was in Afghanistan.

A month ago, Tony flew into a black hole certain he would die. His last thoughts had been of his husband's face, of the last time they’d kissed, of that diner on the base that they must have gone to at least two dozen times.

Now, he’s back to normal, for whatever fucked interpretation of the word that may be.

The only way to stay normal, though, is to trust in his family. Sam, Pepper, and Rhodey- these are the people who keep him feeling sane while the world falls apart.

(He tries to ignore the wings sitting in the lab, which he and Sam have developed together. He tries to ignore Pepper’s electric powers and Rhodey’s armor. He tries to ignore the fact that everyone in his family are being dragged into this superhero mess.

He's not as successful as he would hope.)

Tom looks at Sam’s face and sees everything he loves in this world. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky as to have this beautiful, noble man fall in love with him.

Tony is nearly fifty years old, and sometimes he feels every year of his age. He knows that the tabloids are judging him for going so long without ever getting married. Him, though- he’s so incredibly glad that he waited this long to find someone to commit to spending the rest of his life with, because Sam was worth waiting for.

(Sometimes he wonders if he’s bringing Sam down, tying him to a man so much older than him.)

“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow.

Tony’s brow furrows. “What thing?”

“You’re thinking bad about yourself again,” Sam says.

Tony smirks. “Never. Haven’t you met me?”

“Yeah, I have. You promised to trust me, Tones,” Sam says, a note of frustration poking into his voice, “I don’t want to push, especially if you feel uncomfortable with it, but I want to be here for you. I can’t do that fully if you don’t share your thoughts with me.”

Tony takes a deep breath. He _does_ trust Sam. He knows Sam, knows the way they fit together, knows the pasts they share.

 _Truth is a bomb,_ he thinks, _But it can also be a relief._

“Okay,” Tony says, and allows himself to open up.

\---

Later that evening, Tony is wandering around the gala without Sam. Sam and him had parted ways when Sam had spotted an old Lieutenant he used to work with- Nick Eisner, Tony's pretty sure he said- and headed off to talk to him. Tony, in turn, had turned on the charm and gone to socialize just like the old days.

Instead, he bumps into Pepper.

Pepper’s fiery hair is pulled up in an intricate ‘do, her dark purple evening gown dramatic against her pale skin. On her arm is a woman with flowing blonde hair, dressed in a well-tailored grey suit.

“Tony,” Pepper says, “I’d like you to meet Agent Sharon Carter, my girlfriend.”

Tony grins. “It’s nice to meet the lovely woman who captured my dear CEO’s heart.”

Sharon and Pepper both roll their eyes, and Tony grins. “You guys are made for each other,” he says, “Carter, you’ve already got Pepper’s eyeroll down.”

“Good thing there'll be one more person who knows how to treat you, Tony,” Pepper says.

“I'd rather just hang out with Sam,” Tony says.

“Sam doesn't put up with your bull any better than I do, Tony-" Pepper starts, but she's cut off by a loud noise.

The fireworks go off, and Tony’s attention instantly goes to Sam. After all, Tony isn't the only one with PTSD.

“Motherfucking hell,” Tony swears, “I told them not to shoot off fireworks.”

Pepper looks as furious as he feels. “This is a _military_ gala,” she hisses, whipping out her phone. “We have dozens of veterans here suffering from PTSD-”

“You can handle the crackdown?” Tony asks, and Pepper nods. Tony takes off to go find Sam, trying to keep the fear from his heart.

(His and Sam’s initial connection was based around explosions and burial in the sands of Afghanistan, a shared understanding of trauma and the power flight has to help alleviate it. They both have nightmares, have flashbacks, suffer from PTSD, though of a different sort. Tony doesn’t want Sam to hurt anymore than Sam wants him to hurt.)

\---

Tony finds Sam curled up on the sofa in the penthouse, suit shed in favor of a wifebeater and a pair of flannel pajamas. The afghan Sam’s mom knitted them is draped over his lap. His bionic leg is sitting on the floor next to the sofa and though he’s not shaking, the tension in his shoulders is unmistakable.  _Doctor Who_ is playing through the surround sound system, Christopher Eccleston’s gorgeous face and Northern vowels looming in the background of the living area.

Tony's heart finally starts to calm down from his panic over searching for Sam, instead filling with a deep ache as he crosses the penthouse floor, shedding his suit jacket as he goes. He hates seeing Sam in pain, the aftereffects of war carving canyons across his usually optimistic face.

“You all good?” Tony asks, plopping down onto the couch next to Sam.

Sam's jaw is set, his lips a thin line. “Not really,” he says.

Okay, then. Tony does well with verbal reassurance in the aftermath of an episode- Sam tends to do better with physical comfort. First cuddles and physical touch, then conversation.

“You want some cuddles?” Tony offers, giving Sam his best pout, and Sam laughs.

“You’re ridiculous, Tony Stark,” Sam teases, and Tony waggles his finger.

“That's Tony Stark- _Wilson_ to you,” Tony corrects, leaning in to press a kiss to the corner of Sam’s mouth. “Lt. Sam Stark-Wilson.”

Sam smiles and pulls Tony in for a gentle kiss. Tony willingly follows, wanting to be as soft as possible to help Sam. After all, different things help different people with their PTSD, but kindness and gentleness can never go wrong.

As they trade gentle, careful kisses, Sam starts to relax, the iron leaving his spine. In its place lies a soft curve, a human rather than a machine. He shifts from Falcon, from soldier, from robotic exoskeleton, into fragile, yielding human. Tony starts to believe that they will have no more problems tonight. They're just gonna make out, watch Doctor Who, and leave the rest of the gala to Pepper to deal with.

(Well, as soon as Tony takes care of whatever fuck set fireworks off near a strict no-fireworks-because-this-is-a-fucking-military-charity-gala-full-of-soldiers-you-stupid-fucks zone-)

“Tony,” Sam says softly, breaking the kiss just slightly. “I know you're worrying."

"Can't help it, dear," Tony says, not quite apologizing.

"Tones, you can't protect me from my own mind."

Tony has done so much to try and keep the outside world away from their home. Neither of them want paparazzi interfering in their relationship or their PTSD being triggered. This penthouse is only accessible by Sam, Pepper, Rhodey, and Tony's robot children. The levels below are for the Avengers, but this level, these rooms, are just for family.

Tony specifically has done all he can to keep out the pain of the past in order to make them a new, better future.

"I know," Tony says, "But that doesn't mean I can't try."

Sam presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Tony's mouth. "I know you will. Just- don't feel guilty about it, okay?"

"I can try," Tony says, and he means it. If it was anyone else, he doesn't think he'd even try to put in the effort, but for Sam- for Sam, he can try to fix his fucked-up brain. "For you."

"How about for yourself?"

Tony doesn't think he's there yet, and he's pretty sure he may never be.

Sam's expression is sympathetic. "We'll go slow, okay? Work you up to that point."

"I can promise I'll try," Tony says.

"That's all I'm asking for," Sam says, then leans in to resume their making out session.

\---

Over the next few months, Thor leaves to go off on some Asgardian adventure. Bruce buries himself in the lab. Natasha and Clint go off on missions around the world.

Tony stays in New York, planning inventions for Stark Industries, and Steve Rogers stays as well.

\---

Sam has always been a people person. It's easy to socialize, to be at ease with people and be friendly to them. He likes to observe people, to see what makes them tick. They fascinate him.

Steve Rogers is a strange one. Despite having a place at Avengers Tower with Tony- which Sam would snap up as soon as he had the opportunity, rather than keeping up appearances with his trailer- he goes all the way out to outside the city and goes running every morning. He often stays in hotels overnight rather than in the residential suites of the Tower.

(But Sam can sympathize with the soldier- it’s been seventy years since he was awake and aware. The Tower is highly technologically advanced compared to some of the hotels that Steve Rogers has been staying in, and Sam understands how Steve could be more comfortable staying in hotels rather than at the Tower.)

This is how Sam meets him properly- one morning, Steve goes running around the same area that Sam does.

They get along well, and Sam becomes friends with Steve over months of morning runs.

They only hit one major snag early on:

“Hey, Steve,” Sam says as they take a break from their run one day, “I got something I wanna share with you. Steve raises an eyebrow over the top of his water bottle, and Sam swallows. “I’m gay.”

“You’re happy?”

“I’m homosexual,” Sam explains, waiting for the full implications to hit Steve.

Steve pauses, and for a moment Sam braces himself for the homophobia of the 40s, the homophobia that he grew up with on the streets of New York and sometimes in the army. He doesn't want it to impact their friendship, doesn't want Steve to just see him like that after all of the mornings they've spent running and talking together.

“Okay,” Steve says, tone neutral. Sam breathes a sigh of relief at the lack of judgement in Steve's tone. He's not surprised that the guy isn't jumping for joy- it's too early for that- but still, this is on the better end of the outcomes he was expecting.

\---

Just like his husband, Sam can't resist a little drama.

“I'm joining the Avengers,” Sam says, dropping off his gear in the middle of the living room. Natasha, Clint, Steve, and Bruce look up at him. Tony continues chewing on his Chinese, seemingly nonchalant, but Sam can see the edges of the grin he's hiding behind the box of food.

“You? Sam?” Steve's eyebrows are near the ceiling. “But you're just a soldier, how do you-"

Sam grins as he pulls a folded letter out of his pocket. He tosses it to Steve, who catches it automatically. “I'm the founder of the Falcon program, Steve.” To his satisfaction, he sees Natasha and Clint’s expressions go a bit shocked at this. “With a little engineering expertise from reliable sources, I helped design a set of fully functioning engine-powered wings. I have leadership and planning expertise from my time in the Army, and I spent over a year training to take on the mantle of the Falcon program and its technology. I myself engineered Redwing, a mechanical reconnaissance machine to aid in the Falcon program’s initiatives. I sent in a resume of sorts to Maria Hill, showing my recon work in Afghanistan and my abilities with the wings, and Fury signed the papers.”

Steve smiles. “Then welcome to the team, Wilson.”

 _Stark-Wilson,_ Sam mentally corrects, but doesn't say. Only one bombshell needed for the day.

“Thanks, Rogers.” He glances beyond Steve to Tony. “Gonna welcome me to the Tower, Stark?” he asks, a bit of a flirtatious lilt to his tone.

Tony nearly chokes on his noodles but manages to regain his usual bravado. “If you want, Birdbrain.”

"I thought that was my nickname," Clint pouts, and Tony smirks.

"What can I say?" Tony asks. "There's a newer, hotter hero in town."

\---

That night finds Tony and Sam making out against the counter in the kitchen, their lips live wires against each other. Now that Sam living in the tower, it's gonna be a hell of a lot easier for him to sneak up to the penthouse level- especially if there just so happens to be a hidden staircase built in the closet of Sam's bedroom on the penultimate level that leads direct into their suite in the penthouse.

They eventually lean back for a breather. “You getting tired already, old man?” Sam teases, fingers casually playing with the dogtags hanging around Tony's neck.

“You wish,” Tony says with a wink.

Then, a few more kisses later, when they're pausing for a quick snack and a drink:

“This year's gonna be an interesting one,” Sam says, thinking of the messy, insane team he's agreed to join.

(The Avengers are not gods yet, torn apart by old secrets and their own flaws- they are just a bunch of broken heroes dedicated to protecting the world.)

Tony just knows that Sam will be the perfect addition to the team- he is honest, and strong, and dedicated. He has a strong moral code and is already a military hero. How much of a leap is it from what the man he already is to joining a team made of people just like him?

“Yeah it is,” Tony says, “Welcome to the team, Wilson,” before leaning back in for another kiss.

Sam grins and responds in kind, before breaking off himself and correcting, “ _Stark_ -Wilson.”

Tony smiles. “Samuel Stark-Wilson, my favorite man in the world.”

"Anthony Stark-Wilson," Sam volleys back, then grimaces a little. "We've gotta stop flirting like this," Sam says, "It's getting kinda cheesy."

Tony shrugs. "I don't know," he says, "I kinda love the fact that I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world."

"Well," Sam says, smile mirroring his husband's, "I can't exactly argue with that."

Then they lean back in, and not much else is said for a rather long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't updated in awhile because on the last chapter I posted, I received a couple of comments accusing this series of racism and saying that I was “a racist piece of shit" who had written a “shitty and badly characterized fic." (All of them are still up save one, which said that everyone who wrote this ship or stanned Tony “should go and die” because I do not in any form condone death threats or the encouragement of violence.)  
> These comments got me to questioning how I wrote this series, how I had changed some of Sam’s initial characterization from the movies. I realized that my characterization may have let something to be desired, and though the characterization I was pursuing was based in the backstory given in the movie, I now realize that some of Sam's characterization in this series may have been seen as disrespectful to the original characterization, whether in the comics or the movies.  
> I am a white, asexual/panromantic female with anxiety problems and a whole host of physical issues, not the least of which is a bad leg. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most accurate voice on many issues, especially ones of race, and though I try to do my research I know that I will inevitably fuck up.  
> Going forward, I promise to continue putting thought into the way I develop characters and trying my best to represent all people and cultures properly. It has always been my goal to respect all groups that I write about, and I would like to sincerely apologize for anyone I may have offended.  
> I would, however, like people to stop commenting hateful vitriol. I like constructive criticism, but not anything involving threats or violence. Please do not make jokes about killing characters or people.  
>    
> But back to the beginning of this tangent.  
> So, in the aftermath of all of these revelations, I didn't know how to finish this prequel of sorts to the series. This fic has been in the works since May, and while I've been able to find the motivation to move forward with other series and other fics, the comments regarding this series have given me pause. I hope that this addition to the series, though late, is respectful, carries through characterization already established in this series, and that you all enjoyed it as much as you did the rest of the series!


	15. every belief you believe in is questioned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Steve Rogers isn’t the man that Bucky grew up knowing, the little brother whose bravery exceeded his physical ability to fight, the boy who embodied the saying “it’s not the size of dog in the fight, but rather it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” This man- if he is a man, with the way he so callously throws away friendships and lives in the name of “collateral damage” and “justice”- is not kind and selfless, willing to do whatever he can to save the innocent, the bullied, the poor and oppressed.
> 
> Bucky knows himself to be a monster, and he wonders if that self-awareness is what keeps him from becoming the villain. Maybe he still is the villain, despite his attempts to make himself better.
> 
> Steve doesn’t seem to realize that he is a monster, though, and Bucky thinks that is what has turned him from hero to whatever the hell he is now. Bucky isn’t sure if he could ever call his (maybe) best friend a villain, because that’s not what Steve is (at least, he doesn’t think that’s what Steve is), but he doesn’t think Steve is a hero. Not anymore.
> 
> And he's not sure if Steve could ever be a real hero again.

Bucky awakens from being the Winter Soldier and within a few days, before he’s even figured out what his own name is, Siberia happens.

-

The Nazi plays the video and Bucky realizes what the Winter Soldier-what  _he-_ did so long ago. Tony turns to Steve, voice breaking as he asks if Steve knew, and Steve- Bucky's best friend, the most loyal soldier Bucky knows- admits to lying to his teammate. Then Bucky makes a comment, some inane, out-of-place thing, and then Tony attacks Bucky. Bucky fights back, because it's instinct, because he doesn't want to die, but he tries not to kill Tony because he's pretty sure that Tony is a good guy. He  _did_ show up in Siberia to help them fight the super soldiers, after all.

Then Steve joins in, and things go to shit.

By the time the fight is over, Bucky's arm has been torn away at the elbow and Tony's armor is dented into his chest. Steve's shield has been left behind on the ground as the two of them leave. 

Bucky isn't entirely sure what's going on right now, what just happened, what fight just went down. The Winter Soldier is pressing up against the back of Bucky's thoughts, keeping his brain from processing properly. It takes a few days for him to ask what happened after the fight, where they're going, what they're doing.

When Bucky finds out that Steve just left Tony there, didn’t contact their team to even go and check on a man they had left for dead, he isn't sure what to think about Steve. How could Steve have turned on a teammate like that? Steve had spoken to Bucky about the Avengers over the past few days, spoken of them like he would have the Howling Commandos back in the day- how could he have lied to a teammate and then attacked them like that?

(There’s also the fact that Steve joined Bucky in defending himself a man that was never going to kill him (Bucky has realized, once he's had time to process the fight, that Tony has what amount to cannons in his suit. If Tony had wanted Bucky dead, he would have died quickly) and turned what was a basically a non-lethal duel into a destructive match that ended with Steve shoving his shield into Tony’s chest.

Not just his chest, though- Steve shoved his shield into the center of Tony's armor, the place where his heart lies. Steve could have killed Tony straight out if he'd gone only an inch further.)

Bucky looks at Steve and finds himself staring at a man he doesn’t know anymore. That shield was meant for defense, for helping save the day, not shoving through the chestplate of a teammate.

This Steve Rogers isn’t the man that Bucky grew up knowing, the little brother whose bravery exceeded his physical ability to fight, the boy who embodied the saying “it’s not the size of dog in the fight, but rather it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” This man- if he is a man, with the way he so callously throws away friendships and lives in the name of “collateral damage” and “justice”- is not kind and selfless, willing to do whatever he can to save the innocent, the bullied, the poor and oppressed.

Bucky wonders when Steve’s morals turned to absolutes, or whether they were _always_ absolutes and Bucky just never realized it because that was home and he was used to it. Displaced into this new world, though, surrounded by a new team of people, Steve’s flaws become a little clearer. 

-

Tony welcomes them both back into the Tower and Bucky isn't sure how comfortable the man is with the two of them. Every time they go near Tony, Tony will flinch away, either retreating to his lab or at least to the far side of the table or the sofa to sit by Sam. And Bucky doesn't blame him, not after what happened in Siberia, the way that he and Steve left Tony with as many bruises as a battle does. 

-

Bucky knows himself to be a monster, and he wonders if that self-awareness is what keeps him from becoming the villain. Maybe he still _is_ the villain, despite his attempts to make himself better.

Steve doesn’t seem to realize that he is a monster, though, and Bucky thinks that is what has turned him from hero to whatever the hell he is now. Bucky isn’t sure if he could ever call his (maybe) best friend a villain, because that’s not what Steve is (at least, he doesn’t think that’s what Steve is), but he doesn’t think Steve is a hero. Not anymore.

And he's not sure if Steve could ever be a real hero again.

-

When Steve leaves the Tower, Bucky breathes a sigh of relief. He feels bad about it for awhile (and sometimes wonders, even as the guilt eases, if he will ever stop feeling bad about this one moment where he finds himself relieved that his best friend is gone) but he sees the way that Tony seems more at ease in his own home, the way the team is more comfortable with each other without having to occasionally side-eye Steve.

And so Bucky doesn't feel that bad about feeling relieved. 


	16. lend the world your light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flying can be an escape, can give a way to get out of bad scenarios. It allows Sam to forget about his missing leg, about the way he’s nothing more than human. He has no superpowers, has no superstrength or webs or god-like powers. He has nothing save a pair of wings and some armor, a small robotic bird and his own training.
> 
> It allows him not to focus on the way a helicopter fell, the way metal screeched against metal, the way an explosion tore apart Sam’s best friend.
> 
> When Sam is flying, the world disappears. There is only him, with a leg that works, with wings that won’t let him fall.
> 
> -
> 
> With the Falcon program, Tony has helped Sam find a new way to survive, to help others and escape his own demons.
> 
> Not only does he have wings, but he has Tony himself. Being in love with Tony feels flying, the world at his feet and the sky kissing his skin. There is nothing that could stop him, nothing that could bring him back down to earth.

Sam Wilson knows what it’s like to fly.

Rhodey, Tony, even Peter with his webs- they can all fly too, technically, but they don’t have wings. They don’t know the feeling of having wings pulling against their shoulder blades, the way that the wings extend over their heads, the rush of the wind against their jaws and through their feathers.

They don't know what it's like to perch on the edge of the world, half of their body exposed to the elements, watching the clear night sky and wondering how long it will take to fall.

-

Sam meets Tony Stark months into his use of the Falcon wings.

Sam had been chosen for the project for a number of reasons- his interest in physics, his leadership on the field, his record on the battlefield, his ability to be flexible and react well to whatever happens. And he's good at what he does, making the Falcon project his own within a few weeks. He trains the men, figures out the best ways to use the wings, and improves the wings themselves. He's actually even made a number of tweaks to the wings by the time he meets Tony for the first time.

Tony Stark saunters onto the field as Sam is coasting in from a test of his newest upgrades. "I want to see all the new upgrades the famous Lt. Wilson's made," Tony says, all bravado and Stark confidence, and Sam looks him up and down.

"You're going to either have to provide proper identification- DNA test preferred- or design something on the spot in order to provide a decent enough reason to allow you into the experiment room for the bionic equipment," Sam instructs.

Tony grins and says, "I think you'd make a great superhero."

Sam raises a cool eyebrow at that but doesn't disagree.

-

Sam goes flying with Tony, him with his wings, Tony in his suit, a few weeks after they've met. And it's pretty glorious. The night sky is cool around them, the smallest of breezes making its way through Sam’s armor and to his skin, and Sam forgets about the rest of the world.

Sometimes Sam forgets that his leg is fake. When he’s running, flying, fighting- the strangeness goes away and the bionic leg functions just as well as his natural one did before it was blown off in that helicopter crash. It's incredibly easy to forget that he was not born with this leg, that it is metal and other inorganic materials.

But afterwards, when he's in his normal life, when he's not focused on something else, he remembers. He always ends up noticing it in the things that are absent- the aches that should be in his knees, the cramps that aren’t in his feet after a long run. When he flies or trains with Tony, he always ends up recognizing that there is a past of himself that is different, that is gone, that is new.

-

The first time he and Tony kiss, it's nothing magical. After all, Sam has lived more than thirty years- he's had his fair share of relationships in his time- and he's kissed plenty of men. A single kiss doesn't tell him much about how a relationship will go. He's had shitty kisses with good men, good kisses with bad men.

But the more he kisses Tony, the more he learns from the way their lips touch. Tony's kisses tell Sam of the ways Tony can be gentle, of the ways he can be passionate, of the ways he can listen and respond. 

-

With the Falcon program, Tony has helped Sam find a new way to survive, to help others and escape his own demons.

Not only does he have wings, but he has Tony himself. Being in love with Tony feels flying, the world at his feet and the sky kissing his skin. There is nothing that could stop him, nothing that could bring him back down to earth.

-

Sam is the one to propose. He has this big plan, a big speech and a fancy dinner planned, but in the end it’s just them, in Tony’s penthouse, in the middle of dinner. They're sitting at the kitchen counter, Sam on one side and Tony on the other, and Tony says something smart (nothing strange- Tony says smart things constantly, he’s fucking brilliant) as he lifts a bite of Turkish food to his mouth, and Sam realizes that this- this is them. He doesn’t have to make some fancy plan. He doesn’t need fancy dinner, the perfect date, a big speech- he just needs Tony, with his brilliant brain and warm smile and expressionate hands.

“Hey, Tony,” Sam says, and Tony pauses in his words, looking Sam straight in the eye with a smile on his lips. Sam knows that fond smile well, has seen it directed at himself plenty of times before. And he knows that Tony feels the same way that he does, loves Sam like he does Tony. “Will you marry me?”

Tony’s eyes widen and his fork falls a bit in his suddenly limp hand. “What?” he asks, shock evident.

“I love you, Tones,” Sam says simply, “And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we've only been dating for a year and some change, but you're the best man I've ever met and I love you.”

“Are you sure?” Tony asks, voice betraying a fragility not often associated with Iron Man but that Sam knows Tony Stark carries

Sam pulls the ring box out of the pocket of his leather jacket, where he's been keeping it for the past few weeks (because he knows that Tony would never even accidentally go through his jacket 'cause Tony respects his things and his privacy), and opens it before sliding it across the counter to Tony.

"Damn," Tony says, looking at the platinum band Sam had found at a local jewelry shop after asking JARVIS for Tony's ring size. It's a simple band with only one distinguishing mark- a thin red and gold stripe running across the middle of the ring. "You're serious."

"I'd love to marry you, if you want to," Sam says. "I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, living with you and flying with you and loving you."

"Yes," Tony says, voice matter-of-fact but still a little shaky. "Yes, I want to marry you, you beautiful man."

Sam smiles, leans across the table, and helps slip the ring on Tony's finger. Tony stares at it for just a moment before heading around the counter and pulling Sam into a kiss.

- 

Flying can be an escape, can give a way to get out of bad scenarios. It allows Sam to forget about his missing leg, about the way he’s nothing more than human. He has no superpowers, has no superstrength or webs or god-like powers. He has nothing save a pair of wings and some armor, a small robotic bird and his own training.

It allows him not to focus on the way a helicopter fell, the way metal screeched against metal, the way an explosion tore apart Sam’s best friend.

When Sam is flying, the world disappears. There is only him, with a leg that works, with wings that won’t let him fall.

-

The night they get married, Sam gives Tony his old dogtags, but they’re not just Sam’s- they’re also Riley’s, the ones he's carried since the very beginning, since the day Riley died in a desert and Sam lost his leg.

“I’ll guard them with my life,” Tony says, conviction clear in his voice, and Sam knows that this is a vow Tony will keep as seriously as he does his marriage vows.

“You don't need to do that,” Sam says, placing his hand over Tony’s heart where the dogtags hang at the end of the necklace. Just a few months ago, that skin was where an arc reactor stood, poisoning the flesh around Tony’s heart. Just a few months ago, Tony nearly died because of the heart inside of his chest. Now, though, the dogtags sit over his heart, a physical representation of the love between them. “These are a show of my trust, just like our marriage rings. Your life will always be more important to me than any symbol, though.”

Tony leans forward, smile on his lips, and kisses Sam.

-

Sam goes flying a week before he's set to head out on his final tour, and he's alone in the sky. He spends an hour above the lights of New York city, staring at the city he grew up and took up the helm of Falcon to protect.

Years ago, he became a soldier to protect his country, but most specifically of all to protect the city he grew up in- his home. He grew up just a few burroughs away, down in Harlem in an apartment with his sister and brother and mom and 

Right now, Tony is the Defender of New York. But Sam knows he has projects he's working on, plans around the world that he's going to move onto soon.

And whenever Tony moves on to international fights, to superhero projects elsewhere, Sam is going to stay here and protect this city. He'll be fine stepping down from active duty overseas to do this, to become the defender New York needs.

Sam lands back on the roof of Stark Tower, and his skin is still a bit chilled from the night air. He strips off his wings and his outer armor, handing them off to one of Tony's robot children with a smile and a thank you, then makes a quick change in his room. Then he takes the elevator down to Tony's lab, where he leans against the doorjamb in his sweats and watches for a few moments as Tony moves around the lab, bouncing from project to project with a thought process faster than most humans could ever dream of reaching.

"Need any help?" Sam asks after a few minutes of just watching, and Tony turns to him. Sam can see the slight dark circles under his eyes, the way his hair is mussed in a way that means he's probably been dragging his fingers through it. Sam makes a mental note to make sure JARVIS has a meal/sleep notification made for Tony while Sam's gone, since Sam can't nicely remind Tony to actually take care of himself while he's gone.

"Of course I do," Tony says, gesturing to the tables of projects around him, and Sam steps forward into the lab. He heads for the table that isn't his, per se, but holds most of the Falcon project tech as well as a few small projects Sam has been working on for Stark Industries' is prosthetic division. 

A half hour passes without words, just a playlist that's a mix of late 90s hip hop, 50s swing, and Broadway showtunes playing in the background as the two of them work. It's a comfortable kind of silence, filled with productivity. 

Then Tony stops in the middle of his current project to look up at Sam, who's in the middle of tinkering on some upgrades to Redwing at the table to the left of Tony.

"I love you, flyboy," Tony says, eyes live wires and smile fond.

"I love you too, Tones," Sam says.


	18. as if we could expect to find behind us anything other than the mistakes we made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world knows Tony as Iron Man because that is the legacy he built for himself. His suit, his weapons, his identity- nothing was handed to him. He had to build, to create, to modify and experiment and plan.
> 
> There is only a man inside of that suit, unconnected to powers, relying only on the strength of his own brain and body. If he gets hurt, if he falls, if he fails-
> 
> Here’s the thing- Tony knows responsibility. He knows accountability. Everything that happens because of Iron Man gets blamed squarely on him, and he understands why. He carries the weight of every war, every attack, every failure directly on his shoulders. If something happens, it is all Tony Stark’s fault. Not Iron Man, not the Avengers- it is Tony Stark, the inventor. The builder. The creator.

The difference between Tony Stark and nearly every other Avenger is small, but in the end it makes so big a difference in fault and blame.

See, here’s the thing: Tony had to build himself. There was no spider bite, no serum developed by other minds, no accidental radiation, no birth into godhood, no mutation. Every part of his heroism was built by himself. He had no one handing him things, no one helping him along- he was the sole originator of “Iron Man,” the persona, the powers, the suit- all of it is solely the creation of Anthony Stark.

The world knows Tony as Iron Man because that is the legacy he built for himself. His suit, his weapons, his identity- nothing was handed to him. He had to build, to create, to modify and experiment and plan.

There is only a man inside of that suit, unconnected to powers, relying only on the strength of his own brain and body. If he gets hurt, if he falls, if he  _ fails _ -

Here’s the thing- Tony knows responsibility. He knows accountability. Everything that happens because of Iron Man gets blamed squarely on him, and he understands why. He carries the weight of every war, every attack, every failure directly on his shoulders. If something happens, it is all Tony Stark’s fault. Not Iron Man, not the Avengers- it is Tony Stark, the inventor. The builder. The creator.

Because he created himself. The rest of the Avengers- their hero title was a gift, or at least partially created by others. Even Sam, as smart and as capable and amazing as he is, did not start off his particular project. The army and Tony collaborated to start the Falcon project. If something goes wrong, Tony was the one who kicked off the Falcon Project, even if Sam has made it far more than Tony ever could have. He will carry the blame for whatever goes wrong in his heart, because he is the sole cause of his own mistakes as a hero.

 

(“You know, for such a brilliant man, you can be quite the idiot sometimes. It’s not your fault, Tony,” Sam says, voice firm, after Sokovia and Siberia, and Tony tries to believe him. “You can’t just blame yourself for everything. All of us made a choice on what we would do with the powers we gained.  Some of us made bad decisions, and some of us made good ones, and a ll  of us did everything we could to expand and grow our abilities to be heroes. If we fail, it's on our own merits."

One conversation won't change a lifetime of thought. Tony loves Sam, thinks him the man with possibly the greatest common sense he's ever met in his life, but some things take time to change.

And yet: "You have always been the reasonable one," Tony says with a smile, "And you do have a point."

Sam nods, and his smile is soft. "You  _would_ be smart to listen to your husband once in awhile, Tones."

Tony scoffs. "I always listen to my husband."

"Even about the artistic value of certain crime dramas?"

Tony doesn't laugh, but it's a near thing. "Everyone knows that Criminal Minds fucked up when they didn't make Spencer Reid bisexual, Sam."

Sam rolls his eyes and leans forward to draw Tony into a kiss. Tony's eyes fall shut and he only opens them when Sam leans back from the kiss to whisper, "How about asexual, instead?"

And Tony smiles.

So maybe Tony will always keep blaming himself, but he knows he'll always have his husband by his side afterwards, to help him realize that he's not the monster he thinks he is.)


	19. we shall new shadows make the other way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2008, when Peter was ten-years-old and just discovering his love for all things sciency, Tony Stark announced himself as Iron Man. Tony Stark was everything Peter could want in a role model- he was a tech genius who had made himself a superhero, was well known for donating to charity, and had turned his whole business empire around from weapons toward peace and the environment.
> 
> And Tony Stark- something Peter would only learn to appreciate when he came out- was unabashedly bisexual. Every tabloid screamed his every supposed relationship he was in from their headlines, and his affairs were just as often with men as with women. Having that to look up to has made it a lot easier for Peter to love himself, to be comfortable when he hit puberty and realized that he was asexual.
> 
> Thanks to the kind of role models he has, Peter learns to be okay with his sexuality. He is who he is, and what he is happens to be a pretty decent guy.

The superhero Peter looked up to as a kid- Captain America- was the embodiment of masculinity and heterosexuality. Peter sometimes thinks that maybe if Captain America had stayed his role model- like he is for many other kids Peter's age- he might have had a few more issues with his sexuality.

In 2008, though, when Peter was ten-years-old and just discovering his love for all things sciency, Tony Stark announced himself as Iron Man. Tony Stark was everything Peter could want in a role model- he was a tech genius who had made himself a superhero, was well known for donating to charity, and had turned his whole business empire around from weapons toward peace and the environment.

And Tony Stark- something Peter would only learn to appreciate when he came out- was unabashedly bisexual. Every tabloid screamed his every supposed relationship he was in from their headlines, and his affairs were just as often with men as with women. Having that to look up to has made it a lot easier for Peter to love himself, to be comfortable when he hit puberty and realized that he was asexual.

(Yeah, asexuality was a fun discovery. The internet's a pretty informative place to grow up around, and it only takes a few google searches to figure out what's going on when Peter never gets boners and doesn't understand what's attractive about boobs or dicks.)

Thanks to the kind of role models he has, Peter learns to be okay with his sexuality. He’s never been the most masculine of guys, but he's always content with his status as a nerd. With Ned and Aunt May by his side- and a favorite superhero who’s pretty damn confident in his sexuality- he’s never really felt the need to prove himself as a “Real” man. He is who he is, and what he is happens to be a pretty decent guy.

-

Then, as a junior, Peter gets bitten by a spider, tries to develop his own suit, and meets Tony fucking Stark himself, who says he wants to train him so that he can be safer as a superhero. Tony doesn’t discourage him from trying to save New York, but he does keep Peter from joining the Avengers. (Peter's not too mad, though- New York City is crazy enough, especially if he wants to get his homework done on time.) 

-

But as if getting mentored by Tony Stark wasn’t awesome enough, Peter gets to meet Lt. Sam Wilson- aka Falcon, the actual fuck- and gets pulled under his wing as well. Sam is the calm to Tony’s ADHD-style teaching, the reassuring strength to Tony’s exuberance.

Watching the two of them together is fascinating. They balance each other out kind of perfectly, what with the way Sam can tell when Tony is pushing himself too far and can pull him out an ‘inventing binge.’ He reminds Tony to eat, usually using the opportunity to use Tony as a rather willing guinea pig for whatever recipe he’s trying out that week. He also likes to drop surprise kisses on any part of Tony’s face he happens to be closest too when he comes into the lab to work on his wings or to drag Tony out.

In return, Tony is always dropping in on sparring matches with Sam and Peter, bringing snarky comments and praise for everyone. He cuddles with Sam during Friday movie nights (another _awesome_ thing that Peter gets to be a part of. Peter gets to meet Pepper Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, and Agent Sharon Carter, James Rhodes and Sergeant James Barnes, Natasha Romanoff and the Bartons, Thor and Bruce Banner, Wanda and Pietro Maximoff- all of these superheroes that, through movies and late night snacks, become more human than god in Peter's eyes. They help him realize that superheroes don't have to be perfect- they are all a bit broken, but they have found ways to be happy).

When Sam’s in the lab tinkering with Redwing or his own leg, Tony is there in the background. He doesn’t take over Sam’s work, content to work on his own or just mentor Peter, but Peter watches as sometimes Sam volleys a quick question over his shoulder to Tony and Tony sends an answer back, allowing Sam to keep working on whatever he’s doing. There’s no questions as to Sam’s intelligence, no disparagements as to his ability to fight and invent and work, but there is a certain respect between them that allows for them each to appreciate and utilize each others' talents without insult.

-  


Becoming Spiderman is not exactly something Peter ever predicted, but now that it’s happened he can’t imagine life without Friday nights at the Avengers tower and weeknights saving the city and all of these people teaming up to mentor him.

-

“Are you an Avenger?” Ned asks when he realizes that Peter is Spiderman, and Peter shakes his head.

“Nah, not yet. Just a defender of New York,” Peter says, thinking of the fact that he’s never fought alongside Sam and Tony, never left New York to save other cities. He's just stayed here, at home. And to be honest, though he protested at first he gets it now. It’s hard enough to protect New York while still maintaining his grades and schoolwork- protecting the world would take more than he currently has to give. “But hey, I might not be an Avenger, but I _can_ introduce you to Tony Stark, though.”

Ned’s jaw drops and Peter grins. “No shit man, really?”

Peter nods. “Really.”

“When, man? I’m ready to skip school _tomorrow-”_ Ned starts to ramble, excitement clear, and Peter grins.

“Mr. Stark doesn’t really like it when I skip school, but I can probably get you in for Friday movie night.”

“Friday movie night?” Ned gapes. “Is that why you’ve been skipping out on D&D sessions?"

“Yeah,” Peter admits, expression apologetic.

Ned doesn’t seem to mind, though- he immediately grins. “Totally cool, man, that’s a plenty good excuse."

Peter grins. He knew that he was friends with Ned for a reason.

-

Having two very proudly queer pseudo-father figures really helps with the whole being out-and-proud thing, Peter’s not gonna deny. Sure, he's always been out, but it's always been harder to be proud when half the world thinks his sexuality doesn't exist and the other half won't let him belong anywhere.

But after he becomes Spiderman, Peter meets plenty of queer superheroes and role models, from Pepper Potts and her girlfriend to the Barton-Romanoff triad to even James Rhodes and Bucky Barnes, who completely comfortable with their sexualities.

Even Thor himself visits one day, overhears a conversation between Peter and Sam about queer kids in public schools, and booms, "The Son of spider appreciates the male form as well? How beautiful!" Peter is then treated to a long tale about the time Thor courted a Viking named Erik back a thousand years ago.

He honestly can't believe that so many superheroes are so openly out and happy with themselves- it really makes him proud to be another member of the community joining the ranks of superheroes. If someday when he's an adult and can be out as Spiderman, he can do for other kids what these current superheroes are doing for him, then he'll be satisfied with his life.

-

Asexual Awareness Week hits and Peter spend the entire week wearing purple, black, and white shirts, whether they be t-shirts, button-downs, or polos. Ned wears the ace pin Peter gave him alongside his usual bi pride pin, and even MJ wears a purple, black, and white scarf despite pretending that she doesn’t care.

Friday hits and Peter shows up at Stark Tower, where he finds, to his shock, Tony and Sam in similar colors. Sam’s wearing a purple t-shirt under his usual leather jacket and Tony is wearing a purple button-down

“Happy Awareness Week, kid,” Sam says and Peter launches himself into a hug with both of them.

-

MJ calls Peter “pretty” on a field trip and he can feel his cheeks going hot. He’s as confident in his biromanticism as he is in his asexuality, and she's such a wonderful person, smart and caring (despite pretending she doesn't) and a bit off-beat.

But fuck, he doesn't know how to ask out anyone, girl or guy. He has no experience in any realm, especially not with someone as sure with themselves as MJ is.  
  
-

Then the Anniversary hits, and when Peter wakes up he knows it’s not going to be a good day.

He gets to school and Ned meets him at his locker. Ned takes one look at him and Peter knows that his best friend knows. “Do you want me to call your Aunt or Mr. Stark?” Ned asks, and Peter shakes his head.

“No need to worry them,” Peter says, hoping Ned will ignore the shadows under his eyes.

“But today’s…” Ned trails off, not wanting to make things awkward, and Peter is thankful that he's swallowing his words. "Okay, man. Just... you _sure_?” Ned asks one last time.

“I’m going to Avengers Tower tonight anyway, and Aunt May, well, she works late 'cause it's a Friday."

Then Ned shrugs and starts in on a discussion involving their current D&D sessions (now moved to Saturday nights, with a small excuse to their other couple of friends), and Peter feels so grateful to his best friend.

 

-

He arrives at the Avengers Tower that night. Tony takes one look at him and says, “We’re not training tonight. Kid, you look like shit.”

“Way to compliment a guy, Tony,” Sam says from his position cooking dinner- and it smells like mac n’ cheese, such a weirdly normal food for a man who loves to experiment with as many foreign recipes as he can get his hands on- at the stove, but then he turns and looks at Peter and his expression softens. He lets out a low whistle. “Kid, he’s got a point. Are you alright?”

When he’s looking at Sam and Tony’s concerned faces, Peter can feel his resolve start to crumble. “Three years ago today my Uncle Ben died,” he says, “Freak car accident.”

Tony’s face shifts just a little bit, and when he speaks it’s from a place of deep empathy. “You need a distraction, don't you?"

Peter stares at him. For a moment- well, for more like a day, he’d forgotten that Tony’s parents had also died in a car accident. Sometimes, it’s so easy to forget that Tony is just an ordinary human, that he’s gone through loss and grief just like Peter has. He seems like such an unassailable figure, the billionaire Mr. Stark who created Iron Man, with the perfect marriage and wonderful life, but he’s gone through shit just like the rest of humanity.

“Tell us what you want to do tonight,” Sam says, “Movie? Food? Sparring? Lab time? Going home to your Aunt? Inviting her here? What will make you feel better?”

Peter looks to Sam, to his honest face, and he steps forward and wraps his arms around Sam’s torso. His body shudders as tears start to leak out of his eyes, and he’s no longer keeping it together. (But he doesn't think he has to.)

And then Sam wraps his arms around Peter’s shoulders, patting his head. A moment later, he finds Tony's hand on his shoulder, comforting in its own way. "It's gonna be okay, kid," Tony says.

Peter thinks that the most important part of being a hero is not saving the world from evil, not flying and fighting and having superpowers, but moments like this, when a person does something quiet and kind for another person. This is what makes the Avengers the Avengers- not the bravery to take on supervillains and fight monster, but the small bravery it takes to be vulnerable and kind.

And damn, Peter hopes he can be even half the hero that Tony and Sam are. He hopes that he can be more than just the suit, that he can be a hero even when he’s not Spiderman. Because that’s what Uncle Ben deserves.

-

He gets home that night and finds Aunt May sitting on the couch, and he frowns. Most Fridays when he gets home from Avengers Tower she’s normally asleep, but right now she has on one of those rom-coms she really likes.

She looks up at him, and she’s not crying, but there’s something so old about her face, something that makes him really see the number of years draining her. Peter drops his backpack off against the sofa, toes his shoes off, and then sits down on the sofa next to her. He curls into her side and she puts an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in closer.

“You’re growing up so fast,” she says, and he buries himself closer into her.

Yes, Peter's growing up fast. He's a superhero with spider powers who fights crime on a regular basis, but right now, he's just a kid with dead parents and a dead uncle who just wants to be hugged by his Aunt.  
  
And for tonight, he's happy to just stay that way. Tomorrow he'll be strong again, be brave and face the day, but for now he can be vulnerable. 

-

And speaking of bravery:

“MJ,” Peter says at lunch on Monday, and she raises one cool eyebrow at him.

“What's up, loser?" MJ asks.

“Do you, um, do you want to maybe, uh, hang out after school? Today? With me?” And Tony kind of has to wonder if Tony or Sam are as bad at this whole flirting thing as he is. Probably not.

MJ gives him a small, crooked smile. "Sure thing, Parker."

"Okay. Ah, great. Cool." He's pretty sure that his cheeks are on fire, but he doesn't quite care. He's got a quasi-sort of date with MJ, who he knows is cool with his asexuality due to her actions during Awareness week.

Things are going pretty good, Peter's gotta admit.


	20. waiting to grant wishes of violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the worst timeline, Steve’s shield goes just a few inches further in that cave in Siberia.
> 
> Steve Rogers hasn’t been a hero for a long time. His morals have bent to serve his own ideals and purposes- or, more accurately, the world changed and he refused to change with it, dug his heels into what morals he had and beliefs he thought he carried.
> 
> He sees Tony as a traitor for having attacked Bucky, his best friend. And Steve Rogers doesn't take well to traitors. He has no forgiveness for traitors.
> 
> It isn’t such a stretch to shove the shield in a bit further and kill the man attacking his best friend. It isn't such a stretch for him to leave a 'traitor' lying on the ground, blood pooling under his armor, his chest and heart split open by the shield of the man he called friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for character death.

In the worst timeline, Steve’s shield goes just a few inches further in that cave in Siberia.

Steve Rogers hasn’t been a hero for a long time. His morals have bent to serve his own ideals and purposes- or, more accurately, the world changed and he refused to change with it, dug his heels into what morals he had and beliefs he thought he carried. 

He sees Tony as a traitor for having attacked Bucky, his best friend. And Steve Rogers doesn't take well to traitors. He has no forgiveness for traitors.

It isn’t such a stretch to shove the shield in a bit further and kill the man attacking his best friend. It isn't such a stretch for him to leave a 'traitor' lying on the ground, blood pooling under his armor, his chest and heart split open by the shield of the man he called friend.

-

Sam is working on getting himself into bed that night when his phone rings. Or, well, the overcom rings, because his phone automatically patches into the Tower’s bluetooth system whenever he arrives on the premises.

Sam sighs, glancing down at his half-wrecked bionic leg. “Can you answer that, JARVIS?” He asks, before remembering that Tony hasn’t rebuilt JARVIS yet after Ultron. “Alright,” he grumbles, and swings his leg back off of the bed, catching himself on the edge of the mattress. From there he makes his way, hobbling incredibly slowly, over to his phone, which sits on the dresser. He then braces himself against the wall beside the dresser and looks at the name on the screen. He raises an eyebrow at the words.  **SHIELD- NAME WITHHELD** , the screen reads. Alright. Maybe they have news about his husband. He presses the green  **ACCEPT CALL** button.

“Lt. Wilson-Stark," Nick Fury says, and Sam wonders how Fury knows what his last name is. The team, by this point, knows that he and Tony are in a relationship- but that they're married, not so much-

Then Sam's entire world crumbles at Fury's next words. "They found your husband’s body in Siberia."

And Sam stops questioning how Fury knows about his marriage, doesn’t notice the small measure of sympathy in his expression.

All he can think of is his husband, dead, alone in that cave, his corpse freezing in the snow. Tony was older, had joked about dying first, but he wasn’t supposed to die  _now_. He wasn’t supposed to die in a cave, frozen and alone.

Sam saying yes when Tony asked if he was okay with him going after Sam and Bucky wasn't supposed to be a death sentence- it was supposed to be just another mission that Tony would return from with a cocky smile and the desire for a hug.

' _Til death do us part_  wasn't supposed to be only a couple of years. They were supposed to have longer. 

They were supposed to have a lifetime. 

-

They bury Tony on a Sunday. Sam stands there, dressed in a black suit Tony got him for some gala, one of Tony's favorite wine red ties around his neck.

Around his finger lies his wedding ring, and underneath of his shirt lies a too-familiar chain. They've given him back his and Riley's dogtags, smashed near-through by some massive weapon. They've given him the ring, dinged-up and ice-chipped, that Tony wore on the same chain as the dogtags.

But it's not enough. It'll never be enough. Not when Tony's dead and gone, and there's nothing Sam can do to bring him back.

-

Sam finds out who did it, how a shield smashed open his husband's chest to the point where they had to cremate the body rather than bury it, and he disappears for a few days. So does Natasha Romanoff. Some people worry about Sam, while others quietly pray for a disappearance to be announced whenever he returns.

(Sam is not the only person who cares about Tony Stark. He is not the only one who wants to see justice for Tony's death.)

They return to New York a week later, no blood on their hands, nothing seemingly off. They part on a dock in the middle of the night, dressed casually with nothing illegal on them. 

Natasha’s eyes gleam in the moonlight reflecting off of the ocean. “I’m sorry,” she doesn’t say, and Sam doesn’t expect her to. “It’ll get better,” she doesn’t say either.

There's very little that can really make this better. There's no way to make up for Tony's death. 

There is something hollow and painful in Sam's chest, a gaping hole that will never be truly filled. He's lost his husband, the man he loved, and what they just did- it doesn't fix a goddamn thing.

So instead, Sam just nods at her. "Thank you," he says, not specifying anything that just happened, not saying everything he feels.

Natasha nods back. "You're welcome," she says, gaze cool, and Sam, in another situation, might have been terrified of her. But here and now, she's helped him in what he had to do, and so instead all he feels is a sense of bleak gratitude. 

Then they leave, heading their separate ways. They'll probably meet up again sometime soon, to deal with the future of the Avengers, but for now, there's nothing tying them and their crime together.

-

The news of the disappearance of Captain America flashes in between updates on the future of Stark Industries, and Sam sits alone in the penthouse and watches.

Sam knows Tony well. He knows how Tony's hand shook from the aftermath of Afghanistan, shook when he had a panic attack or was nervous or even when they were just sitting eating dinner and Tony would be holding a fork for too long. He knows how Tony's hand would sometimes fidget when he was really happy or excited about something, when he was on a tangent or even in a business meeting.

Sam's hand doesn't shake now as he holds his cup of water, and it didn't shake when he put a bullet between Steve Roger's eyes.


	21. maybe we're more than we've been told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story of Tony Stark: Tony falls, and he _gets back up._
> 
> This is the story of a hero- not the glorious rise, but the recovery after the fall. It is the struggle to continue, to stand on aching, bleeding knees and to keep fighting no matter what. It is learning to fly when gravity keeps insisting on pulling you to the ground.
> 
> Tony is more than just an inventor and a superhero. He's a mechanic. He fixes things. He repairs them after they fall apart.
> 
> This is the story about the Defender of New York, the First Avenger, a husband and a father and a father figure whose proudest accomplishments are saving kids from abusive homes, building prostheses for those who have lost their limbs, and mentoring kids about science.
> 
> This is a story about a man who kept falling and kept getting back up, a man who inspired others to keep getting back up as well.
> 
> Tony is the mistakes he has made, and he is so much more than them. He is a story not made just of falls, but the flights that happen afterwards.

Tony falls, but this is not the end of the story. It never could have been, because Tony is too fucking stubborn to let it be the end.

-

This is the story of Tony Stark: Tony falls, and he _gets back up._

This is the story of a hero- not the glorious rise, but the recovery after the fall. It is the struggle to continue, to stand on aching, bleeding knees and to keep fighting no matter what. It is learning to fly when gravity keeps insisting on pulling you to the ground.

Ever since Tony was a kid he learned that in order to survive, you had to get back up. You had to own your scars, had to let them tell your story but not define you. He learned that _I'm sorry_ sometimesonly works on people willing to listen, that some men can only be moved by fighting back, that some obstacles can't be avoided.

-

Tony is more than just an inventor and a superhero. He's a mechanic. He fixes things. He repairs them after they fall apart.

Once, in a cave in a desert, he and an old man put him back together again after he'd been tortured and had his heart ripped out. They create a new heart and a suit of armor to first escape and then to defend others from having what happened to Tony happen to them.

This was not the beginning of his story, but it was the inciting incident. The moment when _getting back up_ didn't just pertain to his father's fists- it meant accepting an entirely new life, a new set of priorities to put his stubbornness and drive and brain into. 

When he gets home, Tony starts a program for military prostheses and another one for creating wings for the same reason that he created Iron Man- he wants other people to be able to fly, to be able to get back up again just as he did. 

-

Tony gets married, and it is as much an act of revolution as crafting himself a heart was, as much as becoming Iron Man was. His father said he could never be happy as a queer man. His father said no one would ever love him. His father said-

It doesn't matter what dear ol' Dad said, not anymore, not when Tony has someone who loves him as much as he loves them. Not when he’s staring Sam right in the eyes, seeing Sam smile that fond smile at him.

Tony marries a soldier who knows what it feels like to have lives on your hands, to have your life blown up in a desert thousands of miles from anything you consider home. He marries a man who has fallen and gotten back up and learned to fly, just like he did.

(He marries a man who would never hurt him, who has known pain and would never inflict it on anyone he loves.)

He stands at the altar and kisses Sam and this is yet another revolution, a quiet and joyous one, one that he is willing to participate in every day for the rest of his life.

-

Tony drowned his sorrows in sex and alcohol for years. His path to getting back up was not a linear one, not an easy one- it had many bumps along the way, many literal falls and times when the only way to feel better is to drown in oblivion.

Stark-Wilson- his very name becomes a symbol of his getting back up. It becomes a symbol of what he can do, the love he can achieve, the promise that someone believes in him.

He doesn't drink much after he gets married. A cocktail every now and then, a shot once in awhile for social reasons, but never binging or more than one drink a night. 

He doesn't need to drink. He has already gotten back up- he doesn't need to drown again.

-

Riri Williams finds her way into Tony's lab on a field trip one day, and absolutely blows Tony away with her knowledge and her potential. She's only fourteen years old, but she's an absolute genius. She talks about organic ways to improve the armor and he offers her an internship immediately, and it's the first time in twenty minutes that she actually seems shocked.

And then he gets to know her better, over hours in the lab and occasional movie night, and Tony knows the look in her dark, bitter eyes. He knows that pain. He knows that flinch.

Because he _was_ that. He was the victim, the survivor, who carried self-doubt in his heart and covered it up with a facade of arrogance and boundless self-confidence.

And he knows he has to get her out of her foster home.

(Tony was Riri's hero before she even met him, but not because he was a superhero. Not because he was a billionaire.

He's Peter's role model because he's an unapologetically queer genius who made in STEM despite the stigma against his sexuality. He's Riri's because he overcame an abusive childhood and still became the success he is today.)

When he asks Riri if she'd like for him and Sam to adopt her, Tony is terrified. He doesn't think he could be a good father. He doesn't think he could be what she needs, despite Sam's faith in him.

But Riri accepts, tears in her eyes, and pulls them both into a grateful hug.

Tony signs the papers for Riri's adoption and he's never been prouder of anything in his life.

-

The story of Tony Stark has always been getting back up despite the fact that no one has seemed to love him, but the truth that’s so hard for Tony to see is that so many people do love him.

The story of Tony Stark is as much about the people he has touched as much as it is a story about one man's strength.

It is about James Rhodes, nicknamed by a teenaged freshman in his physics class at M.I.T with eyes too old for his round-cheeked face. It is about a student whose roommate stayed up too late and drank too much and slept too little but still set aside the time to help a friend through a difficult problem in theoretical physics. It is about hundreds of hours of Nintendo before nintendo was any good when it came to graphics, about the first generation of Mario and thousands of one-off Tetris championships.

It is about a soldier who entered the air force as an officer, who used his calls home to talk to his family and to Tony, who never had the perfect relationship with Tony but at the end of the day would always be willing to sacrifice everything for the man he considered brother. 

It is about Pepper Potts, bright-eyed and bright-haired, too clever for the PA position she was applying to but also knowing that she could hold onto the position like no one else had. It is about a woman who became CEO of a family-run company that was not her own (not legally, at least) family, a woman who dated Tony for a few weeks before realizing that they were far better off as friends and business partners. It is about a woman who always makes sure that Tony is taking care of himself, who checks in on a pretty regular basis to make sure that Tony is staying healthy and happy.

It is about Sam Wilson, a man who knew what it was to fall, a man with scars as large as Tony's, a soldier with a war that never left his blood no matter how far away he flew from that helicopter crash. It is about a man who understood Tony's PTSD more intimately than nearly anyone else, who held Tony through the worst of the nightmares and was held in return.

It is about a man who fell in love with Tony over bad diner food and endless night runs with the Falcon wings, who laughed at Tony’s worst jokes and kissed him senseless.

It is about Happy Hogan, a chauffeur whose daughter was doted upon by his employer, a man who was willing do to anything for Tony and was protected and supported in return.

It is about Natasha Romanoff, who doesn't care about many people and loves even fewer, but who developed a fondness for Tony Stark, the only person outside of her tiny family for which she ever does so.

It is about Peter Parker, who adored Tony and viewed him as the greatest hero to ever live but who also understood his flaws. It is about a boy who lost both his parents and then his Uncle, who was taken under Tony and Sam's wings both to learn to be a superhero but also to learn to be a person.

It is about a boy who developed a set of web-slingers after having been bitten by a spider, who wanted to use his smarts and his talents to be something more. It is about a boy who suddenly acquired two father figures who loved him as much as his Aunt did

It is about Riri Stark-Wilson, a girl with the same flint eyes and brains as Tony, a girl who had been abused and hurt, a girl who built her own armored suit out of both curiosity and the need to defend herself and others. 

It is about a girl adopted by two men who loved her like no one else ever had, a girl who went from being an unwanted burden to being a beloved daughter. It is about movie nights with the whole team and blankets tucked in and nights with just her and her two new dads, where Sam would cook something glorious while Tony would tell stories leaving them all in stitches from laughter. It is about being hugged after a life of being deprived of physical affection, of proud smiles and science fair trophies

This is a story about Tony Stark-Wilson, a man who got back up and in turn inspired others to rise as well, a man who believed in others and so was believed in himself.

When Sam kisses him, when Pepper smiles at him, when Rhodey claps a hand on his shoulder, when Natasha or Happy shakes his hand, when Peter or Riri hugs him- Tony knows that he has accomplished something.

-

On the best days- the days that are becoming more and more commonplace nowadays, by some good side of the universe that has finally stopped punching Tony every time he’s down, Tony walks into the lab and he finds three of his favorite people in the world- his husband, his daughter, and his pseudo-son-figure- working.

Peter and Riri are excitedly discussing the tensile strength of a new web compound they've been testing, Sam is working on an adjustment to the wings, and music is playing in the background, some new album from that artist Riri and Peter both like, that Irish guy who is always singing about bogs and churches and death.

Tony doesn't know how much these three people appreciate him, how much they utterly adore and love him, and he has absolutely no clue that it has nothing to do with his money, or his social status, or his superhero abilities. It has to do with his passion for inventing, his patience for questions, his warm smile, his heart that is too big for his body-

-  
  
On June 15th, Tony wakes up to an envelope being handed to him from his husband.

"It's from the kids," Sam says with a fond smile, "They told me to deliver it to you."

The kids? That must mean Riri and Peter. Tony rips open the top of the envelope- as gently as possible, of course, but even after nearly fifty years of practice he still can't cleanly slice open an envelope with his thumb- to find a card inside.

 _HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!_ it reads in glittery gold print, and when he opens it with disbelieving fingers he finds two paragraphs on the inside, one from Riri and one from Peter, in their familiar prints. Riri's, in her impeccable cursive, is written in red ink, while Peter's, in his messy scrawl, is written in black.

Tony's heart is doing strange things in his chest as he reads the kids' thanks for what he's done for them, the things they've learned from him. Science and support, movie nights and 

 

"They gave me one too," Sam says, holding up a similiar card with red print on the inside and outside and similiar messages from Peter and Riri inside. Sam's talk more about learning how to cook and to spar when they get into the specifics, but the overall message is the same.

_Thank you for loving and taking care of and supporting us. Thank you for being what we needed._

There's a knock on the door to their room. "Sirs," comes JARVIS' voice, "Your daughter is knocking."

"Let her in," is Tony's immediate answer, and the door opens to allow Riri to pad into the room, clad in a tank top and flannel pj bottoms, her red hoodie slung over her shoulders. Her hair is still up in its sleep wrap. It really says something to Tony that she feels comfortable enough walking around the residential area of the tower so vulnerable and casual like this.

"Did you like it?" she asks, smile bright but hesitant (so unlike her usual smirk, bitter and daring people to go against her), and Tony and Sam both smile.

"Sweetheart, we loved it," Sam says, getting out of bed, and Riri's smile goes from hesitant to brilliant.

"Awesome!" she says, rushing forward to give him a hug. Tony follows Sam's example and gets out of bed as well, wrapping Riri in a hug from the other side.

Then, after a few moments, Riri pulls away slightly. She's officially been their daughter for four months now, but she's still not the best with hugs. Tony gets it- it took him years to get okay with Rhodey hugging him. 

"Peter's coming by in about an hour to celebrate too," Riri says, "Because you two are kind of his dads too."

"Does he really think so?" is the automatic response out of Tony's mouth before he thinks of the card sitting on the sheets beside him, with Peter's scrawling cursive lining it.

"Of course he does," Riri says with a smirk that mirrors Sam's when he knows he's right. "In fact, he was the one who wanted to let you two pick the movie for tonight."

Tony exchanges a look with Sam. "You mean we have to  _agree_?" he asks, a note of uncertainty to his voice, because while they have very similiar tastes in music and are both very open to new foods, they have very staunch opinions on the proper movie for movie night.

Riri smiles that evil smile Tony has a feeling she picked up from  _him_. "Yep," she says, innocently popping the "p" as if she's not aware of what she's just asked.

"Well, you heard the young lady," Sam says, "She wants us to spend the next two hours debating which movie to watch."

"No need to wait two hours, by which time Peter will have been waiting for ages," Tony says. "We can just watch  _The Phantom Menace._ "

"No damn way, Stark," Sam says, "There is no way we can watch the  _Phantom Menace_ with the children. The bad plotting and characterization will scar them for years."

"You just hate the fact that there's not enough action until the final few scenes and that the tone is so different from the orig trig," Tony says, "And because you're obviously going to be gunning to watch  _Clue_."

"It's a cult classic for a reason, Tones," Sam argues.

"I'll see you two in the kitchen in half an hour," Riri says, breezing out of the room with a knowing grin. "When you'll have, in all likelihood, decided on  _National Treasure_ for the movie."

Sam and Tony are left smiling at each other despite the fierce debate. "She's probably right, you know," Sam says, "We both like it, and so do the kids."

Tony nods. "She's smart like that, our girl," he says, smiling at the doorway that their daughter just vacated.

"But we should probably debate a little longer..." Sam offers, a teasing smile on his lips.

Tony steps forward so that he and Sam's faces are only a few inches away from each other. "Or we could just make out like teenagers and let her believe that we spent the time discussing."

Sam grins. "Sounds like a good suggestion, Mr. Stark-Wilson."

"Same to you, Mr. Stark-Wilson," Tony says before Sam leans in and pulls him the few inches closer and into a kiss.

They're laughing and giggling as they flop back onto the bed, kissing as they go.

-

This is the story about the Defender of New York, the First Avenger, a husband and a father and a father figure whose proudest accomplishments are saving kids from abusive homes, building prosthetics for those who have lost their limbs, and mentoring kids about science.

This is a story about a man who kept falling and kept getting back up, a man who inspired others to keep getting back up as well.

Tony is the mistakes he has made, and he is so much more than them. He is a story not made just of falls, but the flights that happen afterwards. 


End file.
